What NOT to Do in Bed, by Marianne Brandon, PhD

[ 0 ] February 14, 2011 |

Dr. Marianne Brandon

What are you like to make love to? If you were a different person, would you want to make love to yourself? If you answer that question honestly, you can probably identify ways you can improve your abilities as an intimate partner. After all, making love is a learned skill. While having sex is innate, it takes practice and effort to learn to make love well. Like any creative effort – such as painting or dance – most of us aren’t born with the ability to do it well. We have to put forth effort, and practice, to hone our skills. And guess what? Sex is the exact same way!

So, in my effort to assist my readers in reaching new sexual heights, I’m starting a regular column about what NOT to do in bed. Take my words seriously, and you’ll be on your way to a more satisfying sex life in no time!! So today we’ll do one point for the ladies, and one for the gentlemen. That’s because in long-term relationships, couples often get into patterns, or sexual ruts. And in my private practice, I commonly hear men making the same mistakes with their women, and women making similar mistakes with their men.

So ladies, this one’s for you.

Don’t come to bed expecting your partner to do all the prep work. That means, take some time to get yourself partly in the mood first. Oftentimes we expect our man to do all the work for us. This places too much pressure on him, and creates tension for both of you. You become too focused on what he’s doing rather than feeling pleasure, and he feels pressure to “get it right”. Instead, take matters into your own hands and start your own fires burning. Take a hot bath, slowly massage lotion into your body, dance a slow song on your own, or read some erotica. You will find it so much easier to be responsive to your partner when you take a few moments to wake up your sexual energy first!!!

And gentlemen, now it’s your turn.

Your advice today is this –when making love, don’t reach too quickly for your partner’s pelvis. Most women need some significant foreplay time before they are ready to be touched in more directly sexual ways. So, cuddle her, kiss her cheeks, eyes, and forehead, run your hands through her hair, rub her shoulders, or massage her feet. Touching her sensually in these non-sexual areas will help your woman soften, relax, and open to your touch. That way, when you do reach for her pelvis, she’ll be much more receptive.

Happy Valentine's Day! What do you really from want to receive from your Valentine?


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After you try out today’s advice, share your experiences with us! Let us know how this works for you. Remember, sex is an art form, and practice makes perfect!

For more sex advice:

World-Class Experts Offer Their Best Sex Tips

4 Lessons I’ve Learned as a Sex Therapist

Yoga: The Cure for Better Sex?

5 Ways to Make This Valentine’s Day Perfect


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Category: Intimacy, Relationships

Dr. Marianne Brandon

About Dr. Marianne Brandon: Dr. Marianne Brandon is a clinical psychologist and Diplomat in sex therapy through AASECT. Dr. Brandon is Director of Wellminds Wellbodies LLC in Annapolis, Maryland. She is author of Monogamy: The Untold Story and co-author [...]
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