The Love Coach Tasha Dimling weighs in on recent viral stories that say as women climb the professional and educational ladders, the best men are falling off them; women shouldn’t feel obligated to adhere to the ‘Leave It to Beaver’ style of marriage
When it comes to women and their place in the workforce and the home, there seems to be a major shift occurring. In her piece, “All the Single Ladies,” that landed on the cover of The Atlantic last November, writer Kate Bolick took the country by storm when she wrote about how as women have climbed the professional and social ladders in recent years, men have fallen off it – leaving women’s options lacking when it comes to picking a mate.
“As women have climbed even higher, men have been falling behind,” she writes. “We’ve arrived at the top of the staircase, finally ready to start our lives, only to discover a cavernous room at the tail end of a party, most of the men gone already, some having never shown up – and those who remain are leering by the cheese table, or are, you know, the ones you don’t want to go out with.”
She also talked about how the “‘Leave It to Beaver’ style family model popular in the 1950′s and ’60s had been a flash in the pan,” and that many historians cannot “understand how people had become so attached to an idea [marriage] that had developed so late and been so short-lived,” since, previously, marriage had been a “primarily economic and political contract between two people, negotiated and policed by their families, church, and community.”
We reached out to The Love Coach Tasha Dimling for her thoughts on the story. Here’s what she says about certain aspects of Bolick’s conclusions [in italics]…
Bolick: “Recent years have seen an explosion of males joblessness and a steep decline in men’s life prospects that have disrupted the “romantic market” in ways that narrow a marriage-minded woman’s options: increasingly, her choice is between deadbeats (whose numbers are rising) and playboys (whose power is growing).”
My clients have a 100 percent success rate in attracting who they desire in love. In the past, I promised my clients marriage, but I had one woman get so obsessed with being married (rather than being with her true love), that she sabotaged everything. She attracted a man with the 100 qualities she desired, but then broke up with him because she didn’t think he would marry her by the time she was 35.
Start with love. If it’s meant to be, you will be married.
The article also mentions that a woman’s options are between “deadbeats” and “playboys.” Deadbeats and playboys have always been around. Both men and women have lost their jobs in this economy. A “deadbeat” is not a person who is jobless, it’s a person who throws a pity-party for himself every night rather than pounding the pavement for work every day.
Selection is the same today as it was one generation ago. Partner selection is meant to be based on character and actions, not current income. During my mom’s generation, couples typically met in college and got married upon graduation. Back then, the women had to bet on the future success of their men based on their character and actions. Today, women are also betting on men; they may be in between jobs, starting over in a new industry, looking for their next big client. Does the man have determination and drive? Actions speak louder than words. Always. What matters is, who he is and how he shows up every day.
One of my clients met a man who owned a $12 million home and an airplane, but was struggling to maintain that lifestyle in this economy. The man had the talent and ambition to create that level of financial abundance in the past. What mattered now was his attitude and actions; he showed up as go-getter and went for it every day.
Again, the marriage-minded women are decreasing their options by focusing on marriage, rather than loving the man.
Bolick: “It’s time to embrace new ideas about romance and family – and to acknowledge the end of ‘traditional’ marriage as society’s highest ideal.”
Marriage is what you and your partner make it. Marriage is still alive and well. What has evolved is the choice of roles within that commitment. You are always at choice. You can have a “traditional” marriage, if that is what you want. Or not. Half of the women I know are the breadwinners in their marriages and their husbands take care of the children. The other half are in “traditional” marriages.
Family is what you create. One of my sorority sisters from college is married to another woman; they have a baby; and are living happily ever after in Brooklyn. That is their gorgeous definition of “family.”
Romance is what you make it. Romance is alive and well, when you choose it to be. Want more romance in your relationship? Chemistry is created by the polarities of masculine and feminine. Be the beautiful, feminine woman you are, and he will treat you like a queen.
I spend 50 percent of my time teaching my female clients how to be feminine. This is not anti-feminist work; it’s quite the opposite. Women are more powerful than men … when we are women. We give up our powerful mystery and allure when we act like men. Do whatever you think you have to do in the corporate world to thrive, but when you walk through the door of your home, be a woman.
My partner wrote in an e-mail that he needed to be with a woman like me, who is ambitious,driven, and strong. He also courts me like a queen. I’m wildly ambitious from 9 a.m. until 5 p.m., then I turn off the testosterone and turn on being a beautiful, feminine woman. In my world, the man woos the woman, and I want to be the woman in the relationship. He romantically woos me with wining and dining, spa massages, flowers, gifts, and a candlelit bedroom.
Marriage is what you make it. Family is what you make it. Romance is what you make it. And it all begins with love.
Bolick: “I wasn’t ready to settle down.”
Neither was I, until I was 41. Girls just want to have fun! For some of us, that’s being successful in business; for others, that’s traveling the world, being a mom philanthropic missions – the list is endless. Women want what they want, and get what they want.
“Every woman has the love life they desire”- from the movie, The Wedding Date.
I posted that on Facebook and the claws came out. Sorry, but it is absolutely true. The only thing getting in the way of what you want in love, is you. Everyone wants love. Even wealthy women, who can “afford” to be single, want to be loved. Again, this is not about marriage, it’s about love.
Bolick: “Falling in love and getting married may be less a matter of choice than a stroke of wild great luck.”
Fear or love; it’s a choice. You can either run around in desperation, afraid you’ll never be married, or choose love. You get what you say ‘yes’ to in life.
In the beginning of our relationship, my partner kept asking me, “What do you want?” I kept answering, “To have my own television show; live in New York City; for my family to be healthy; to be married; etc…” When I asked him what he wanted, he said, “To love and be loved.” I’ve learned so much from him about love. It’s about love, not marriage. If it’s meant to be, you will be married.
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