When the Person You Love Doesn’t Love You Back
Relationship expert Susan J. Elliott offers advice on dealing with the heartache of unrequited love and the personal road to recovery…
It’s hard but it happens. And it hurts. Maybe you love someone who may have loved you once upon a time. Maybe you love someone who simply doesn’t feel the same way and isn’t ever going to feel the same way. Perhaps someone loved you and you loved them until someone new came along and they left. Whatever the situation, you’re left with a big pile of hurt. And it really hurts.
You recall your exchanges over and over in your mind. Where did it go wrong or fail to go right? What should you have done that you didn’t? What did you do that you shouldn’t have?
The first emotion is disbelief. How can this be? How did I get here? Maybe your personality is draining away…you used to be fun and helpful and have a great sense of humor. Now you’re plain and you’re boring all your friends with your sad refrain of unrequited love.
Related: How to Deal With a Selfish Lover
Part of you refuses to believe it. It can’t be so. Something will change. This is a phase. This is temporary. I’ll just sit here and wait for my love to smarten up and see the light. That is what I will do. Better yet, I will change things. I will call him or her or text him or her. We will get into a big emotional conversation and I will persuade them that this is all wrong.
- ALLOW YOURSELF TO DO NOTHING
It’s natural to deny it, but it’s important to believe it. You can take your time but you have to move in the direction of believing it, because it’s true. My suggestion is to STOP and not do anything, which, in the beginning, is the hardest thing to do. You’re having trouble absorbing the news and are doing your damndest to make it different or refuse to believe it’s over. Let it slowly sink in and do the hardest thing there is to do: NOTHING. Doing nothing in a situation like this takes energy. You will think you spend all your time not doing something. And that’s because you are. Your natural inclination is to DO something, which is the thing you must not do.
Related: Find Love in Cyberspace
After you start to believe it and allow yourself to not do anything, you will start to feel the feelings. You feel hurt, anger, betrayal. You feel rejected and less than. Your self-esteem is taking a huge hit from feeling rejection. At this point the urge to DO something returns. You start to take all the responsibility for the ending. You revisit things that your ex complained about; you make things up; your mind reels with ideas of how to change into someone easier to love: I’ll be quieter, thinner, happier. I won’t complain so much. I won’t rock the boat. I’ll wear different clothes. I’ll buy a new car. I’ll clean more. I’ll do anything, ANYTHING, if only it would make this person come back.
Susan J. Elliott
STOP. Stop right there. Forget about changing for someone else. Forget about bargaining for what you should have without bribing whatever deity you believe in. Forget about changing your whole life just so this narrow-minded little bonehead will love you.
WATCH: ‘You Can’t Rush a Breakup’
Every relationship is a learning experience. In each relationship we learn what parts of us could use improvement. But not because this person found them unattractive or irritating but because you found them unattractive or irritating. We all have regrets and things we wish we could do over.
A relationship shines a light on all the things we need to change and every breakup gives us the opportunity to work hard on ourselves. But it’s not for someone else or to be loved. It’s for our own self-improvement and our own progress.
What did you do in this relationship or around this person (if you weren’t in a relationship) that could improve? Think about it. Journal about it. Do the Relationship Inventory in my Getting Past Your Breakup book. Think about ways to change things that need to change. But DON’T change things in yourself just because this person didn’t like it. Don’t think of changing for another person. Only change for you. It’s okay to accept someone’s constructive criticism if it’s spot on and will help you in the end, but if not, just REJECT IT.
Related: Marriage Isn’t Obsolete, But Start With Love
When you are leaving a relationship where someone doesn’t love you anymore, there is a hit to the self-esteem. It’s a rejection no matter how you slice it. And it’s a rejection that stings. However, it’s important to take it in stride. Take rejection in stride? Yes. Taking it in stride means telling yourself that you are okay no matter what. Yes, there might be things that need improvement but it is a lovable, worthwhile person who is willing to look at those things and change them.
- REJECT THE REJECTER
It is time to REJECT THE REJECTER and his or her ridiculous standards of measurement. Perhaps this person doesn’t know what he or she is losing. Perhaps this person has no idea how worthwhile you are and what value you can add to their life.
Or another possibility is that this person does recognize your value and how great you are but they are not in a place where they can be in a relationship. Maybe they’re not over their previous relationship. Maybe their life choices (home, job, school) are up in the air. If it’s not the right time in their life, there is nothing you can do about it. It’s hard and it hurts but gently let it go.
The bottom line is that you do not want someone who does not want you no matter what the reason. The reasons might be things that are easy to work out, but this person doesn’t want to work it out. No matter what the reasons—real reasons, stupid reasons, made-up reasons—they are still very real to this person and you cannot spend your time trying to circumvent the reasons. Don’t sit around waiting for this person to want you. The first prerequisite for love is to be mutual. Otherwise it’s not okay.
Related: Stop Preparing for Marriage … and You Will Get Married
- BE GOOD TO YOURSELF
Stephen Levine once said, “The road is hard. Love softens it.”
Requited love, mutual love, real love softens it. And until that love comes from a romantic partner who values you and sees how wonderful you are, get that love from family, friends and yourself. You must be good to yourself as you move on.
Use this relationship breakup to work on yourself and get ready for true love, real love, lasting love. Get ready for a relationship with yourself and then a relationship with a loving and appreciative person who will come into your life once you learn to value you. Be good to yourself. Today and always. In a relationship or out of a relationship. Be good to you.
Tell yourself that Mr. or Ms. Right is out there and he or she will value you for the person you are. In a partner we want someone to share life’s sorrows and joys. We want someone who is there day in and day out.
In the meantime, while looking for Mr. or Ms. Right, work on whatever needs working on. Have your feelings…let them out…write about them, talk about them but allow yourself the feelings. Journal about how locked into this struggle you are. Is it really about this person and this period in time or does it go way back? Stop re-injuring yourself. Give yourself affirmations. Know that you are worth it. After you do the Relationship Inventory in the Getting Past Your Breakup book, do the Life Inventory and the Parent Inventory. It is through these inventories that the answer will come to you and allow you to change the dance steps you are doing.
Related: How to Meet the Right Partner
In your pain you might not believe that it’s ever going to happen for you, but believe that it can. It exists. It happens. It is possible. It will take time. In the meantime, be good to you. Celebrate the you that is you. And know that the right person for you is out there.
The above is an excerpt from Getting Past Your Breakup. Click here for the full, original article.
Category: Dating, Marriage, Relationships
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