Dr. Marianne Brandon

Why do so many men in power seem to have affairs? It’s a question that doesn’t have just one answer. Dr. Marianne Brandon, a clinical psychologist and relationship expert, says men in power are more likely to have higher testosterone levels, and women are more likely to be attracted to “alpha males.”

Watch Dr. Marianne Brandon talk about more reasons why powerful men tend to have affairs, below: 

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WATCH: How to Deal With a Selfish Lover

If you are struggling with an urge to have an affair, here are some things you can do to avoid taking that critical and often very damaging step:

1. Talk to your partner realistically

Tell your partner that you want to strengthen your bond because you want to prevent infidelity. Keep in mind that all romantic relationships require ongoing attention. As people age, it is natural for emotional and sexual needs to change. Re-assessing your union periodically can help you grow together rather than apart. What aspects of your connection can use some work? How can each of you love each other better? What do each of you need that you aren’t getting? Exploring these issues from a loving place will help to thwart a crisis in the future.

WATCH: Why Powerful Men Have Affairs

Sometimes people have affairs because they feel that their sex lives have become stagnant. Couples commonly get stuck in sexual ruts. Obviously, dull and predictable sex is not particularly desirable. To avoid boredom, you have to periodically stretch your sexual boundaries. Experimenting with new things can help keep your sexual relationship interesting. Try playing with light bondage, blindfolds, or dramatic music. Stepping out of your sexual comfort zone on occasion will help keep your sex sexy.

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3. Go to a strip club together

Unfortunately, monogamy is not necessarily natural for primates – human primates included. In spite of feeling a strong love for their partner, some men and women still long for sexual variety. Because of the increasing opportunities for sexual stimulation provided by modern technology, people are tempted to cheat more than ever. Why not harness these desires and use them to fuel the passion between you? Some couples find that going to a strip club together gratifies a need for sexual variety while still maintaining fidelity and trust.

Related: Problems In Your Love Life? It’s Not Your Partner’s Fault

4. Intensify your heart connection

Sometimes what motivates people to cheat is a need for a stronger emotional bond. Women long to feel cherished, men long to feel appreciated, and everyone wants to feel loved. Life is stressful, and it is all too easy to become distracted by your many daily responsibilities while neglecting your significant other. Enrich your heart connection by making more eye contact while making love, focus on all the reasons you love your partner before you

Dr. Marianne Brandon

are intimate, kiss lovingly and tenderly rather than offering mere pecks on the cheek, or write your partner a love letter. Allow for the sense of exposure that comes with acknowledging your love for your partner, because vulnerability can enhance intimacy.

5. Role play

Role playing during sex is another way to indulge your natural need for sexual variety while cultivating a monogamous bond. Couples can have fun playing doctor, photographer and model, blind date … the possibilities are endless. There are multiple websites where adults can obtain inexpensive costumes to enhance a role play experience. People resist role playing because they fear they will feel stupid at first. But if the alternative to feeling silly is feeling guilty and ashamed for cheating on your partner, feeling silly is a much better choice.

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Lest you think all these are just creative ways to consume your candy, rest assured that research supports them as healthy techniques to spice up your sex life.  That’s because newness between the sheets is a key element of a satisfying sexual relationship over time.  In addition, sensual exercises that help you mindfully tune into your body are effective ways to learn how to experience even more pleasure while making love.  So, enjoy your chocolate guilt-free, all in the name of science!

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Dr. Marianne Brandon

1. Illusion: Out of lust means out of love

Fact: You can love someone in a romantic way even if lust wanes.

Humans have a drive to feel lust, and we also have a drive to feel companionate love. Although these feeling states can co-occur at the beginning of a romantic relationship, they are ultimately separate sensations. That means you can feel lust without love, or as a relationship ages, you can feel love without lust. If you are like most people, you want to feel both at the same time.  This means that you have to consciously create lusty passionate experiences if that natural passion starts to wane.

Related: Want More Intimacy? Make Love With Your Clothes On

What to do?

Your best bet is to keep doing new things sexually – newness brings back the sensations of passion. So bring your creative, adventurous side into the bedroom! Try new positions, make love in new places, and wear different things to bed. Stretch your sexual boundaries on occasion so that you don’t get stuck in bedroom ruts. And don’t be stingy – the more you give, the more you’ll get back for yourself in return.

2) Illusion: What you put in your grocery cart does not impact your sex life

Fact: A healthy body is an important part of a satisfying sex life

Eating healthy requires a conscious effort today. We are bombarded with “food” options that are filled with unhealthy fats, carbs, toxins, and empty calories. It is very possible that most of the stuff you put in your grocery cart really wouldn’t qualify as food, in the purest sense of the word. And this can have numerous negative effects on your sexual health. For example, obesity correlates with low libido and erectile dysfunction, not to mention poor body image and decreased athletic capacity. Nutritional deficiencies cause low energy and a diminished ability for the body to respond sexually.

WATCH: How Meditation Can Improve Your Sex Life

What to do?

When you are making your food selections, remember that what is unhelpful for your body is also unhelpful for your sex life – and vice-versa. So look at those fruits and veggies in a new, exciting light! Juicy, succulent, ripe, foods support a juicy, succulent, ripe sex life!

3) Illusion: If sexual chemistry wanes, there is nothing you can do about it

Fact: Passion can be enhanced by understanding our more primal sexual instincts

It is true that most couples experience a decrease in sexual chemistry as a relationship ages. But there are things you can do to enhance and resurrect those intoxicating feelings of sexual longing and desire. In heterosexual relationships, highlighting the differences between male and female sexuality can intensity your experience between the sheets. Traditionally, masculine sexuality brings a dominant, confident, tenderness to the bedroom, while feminine sexuality is more emotional and vulnerable.

What to do?

Gentlemen, offer your partner a strong but loving presence in the bedroom. Take charge and make her feel wanted and cherished. Ladies, gift your partner with the soft, open-hearted receptivity that women can innately bring to a sexual connection. Engaging these innate sexual responses can trigger an instinctual desire in your partner. So take sex out of your head and into the deep, and passionate realm of your ancient, mysterious sexual body.

4) Illusion: If your love is strong, you won’t be sexually attracted to other people

Fact: Even people in loving, committed relationships are occasionally attracted to others

Just because you are in love doesn’t mean you are immune to attractions to others. It is natural for men and women to fantasize about other people – even while making love with their partner! Most of the time these feelings don’t become a problem if people don’t act on them.

What to do?

See if you can use these thoughts and feelings to fuel the passion in your intimate relationship. Can you channel the excitement they generate toward your partner? If you are thinking about other people too much, and it’s getting in the way of your feelings for your partner, then it would be a good idea to talk to someone about it – a friend, therapist, or your partner. It could mean that something is going on in your relationship that needs to be addressed.

5) Illusion: The safer you feel in your relationship, the better your sex will be

Fact: Some mystery and uncertainly in a romantic relationship can fuel desire

It seems like safety and passion should go hand in hand – the more you have of one, the more you’ll enjoy of the other. But that’s actually not the case. For most people, a little safety allows enough trust for passion to flow. But too much safety can create an atmosphere that is boring and uninteresting – a place where passion can be hard to come by.

What to do?

Try to keep a little mystery and even a little distance in your relationship. Giving yourself and your partner a little space can make for a bit of tension, but this tension can translate into passionate longing in a way that too much safety never can.

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The next time you are going to make love, KEEP YOUR CLOTHES ON. I mean, for the entire experience. Forget about penetration, orgasm, and all that jazz that distracts us from what the experience is really about.

WATCH: How Meditation Can Improve Your Sex Life

I’m sure you think I’m crazy. But there’s no better way to learn how to add depth and intensity to your lovemaking. It may take a little practice. But making love with your clothes on will force you to rely on the most powerful aspects of intimacy – those same aspects that you ignore because you are so focused on your and your partner’s genitals. But if you take everyone’s pelvis out of the picture, you will really learn what love-making is all about.

Let me explain…

When you make love with your clothes on, it allows you to concentrate on all of the facets of love-making that take your experience from boring sex into tender bliss. These are the skills that men have developed when women recall the most sensual sexual experience of their lives – when a woman feels totally ravished, completely consumed, and fully loved. They are the skills that women use  when men feel that their partner totally opened for them, responded to them, allowed them into her body and heart and soul. When couples have these abilities, then the inevitable toll that aging takes on their bodies’ matters so much less. Penis size, low libido, premature ejaculation, and vulvar pain all become less distressing.

Related: Don’t Let Body Image Collide With Your Sex Life

Making love with your clothes on means you must focus on your loving connection, the “energy” you and your partner exchange, your vocalizations, the ways you look at your partner and let your partner see inside your own eyes, the ways your bodies move together, how you touch your partner – particularly their face and hands, and any sweet words you chose to whisper, such as “I love you,” or “you are so beautiful,” or “you mean so much to me,” or “Thank you for making my life so meaningful.”

In sum, making love with your clothes on forces you to really make love.  You have to show up. No pretending. No distractions. No sex for purely physical release that perhaps leaves your partner feeling a little used or irrelevant. You have to leave all your bad habits at the door. 

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Related: Problems In Your Love Life? It’s Not Your Partner’s Fault

One other reason why making love with your clothes on works so well is that it removes the pressure to perform. For example, men have been taught to focus so much on the size of their penis and how they use it. What men have not been taught is how to make love to a woman. They have not been taught that love-making is about so much more than their penis. So clothes-on love-making gives them an opportunity to not have to worry about how long they are lasting, or how erect they are. It allows them to focus on what really matters to a woman.

I have talked quite a bit about how important it is for a woman to learn to at least occasionally surrender to her lover in order to reach a more ecstatic love-making state. Well, when a woman keeps her clothes on, she feels more protected in a very basic way. This allows her to experiment with surrendering to her partner energetically – falling into her partner, letting her body go, and being more vulnerable – which is truly how sexual surrender is achieved. As she becomes more comfortable with this experience, she can slowly bring these skills to her clothes-off love-making.

WATCH: Matchmaker Rachel Greenwald Asks – ‘Is He the One?’

But be prepared. If you do this right, it will be a vulnerable-feeling experience for both of you. No longer can you escape intimacy by closing your eyes, focusing on your orgasm, or pretending to be present when you are really thinking about what you have to get done in the morning. So this kind of love-making forces a level of intimacy that may be uncomfortable at first. But it’s so so worth it. Because remember, over time, even great lovers get bored. And your body isn’t necessarily happy to make love to the same partner for 5 decades. So it’s necessary to add to your sexual repertoire over time, so that you can bring as much as possible to your monogamous connection. For that reason alone, this is a critical practice for most couples.

Dr. Marianne Brandon

In sum, I highly recommend making love with your clothes on. If you want to try it but you expect that your partner will think it’s silly, then you have a few options. Have them read this article. Or, simply tell them that you don’t want to make love but you do want to feel intimate with them, so are they willing to keep their clothes on tonight? Most people will agree to that, even if it doesn’t make sense to them. And be patient with yourself and your lover – learning new skills is a process, it doesn’t happen overnight.

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Related: New Year’s Resolutions for a Better Sex Life

A low body image can interfere with so many aspects of life, including sex. It might keep you from heading to the beach, meeting with a blind date, going to the gym, or simply feeling confident about yourself in general. A poor body image can also make you reluctant to have sex, or do the sexual stuff you really want to do because you are too self-conscious. It can keep you from letting go sexually, and really enjoying the experience. It can distract you, so that every time you move you wonder what part of your body your partner is seeing now, and how he or she feels about that. It can keep you from wearing clothing that makes you feel sexy. It can prevent you from looking in the mirror and seeing your sexual self staring back at you. The impact of a poor body image can be anything from an annoyance to a profound detriment to a person’s quality of life.

“Obviously true,” you are thinking, “but what can I do about it?”

Well, the first step is to be realistic about your concerns. Honestly assess whether they are rational or unfounded. I don’t need to remind you that we are constantly bombarded with images of women with unattainably perfect bodies. And regardless of whether your conscious mind is registering these images, your unconscious mind certainly is. So you have to base your judgments about yourself on real bodies, not those that are air-brushed, not on people who are starving themselves. (Incidentally, it might be interesting for you to know that when given the choice, most men will choose porn depicting women with clearly rounded figures as opposed to those with bodies like super models). So anyway, if you feel you cannot give yourself an accurate assessment, then ask your doctor about it. Doctors are in the business of health, and as it turns out, health is exactly what I suggest you focus on.

I highly recommend you focus not on how you look, but on how well you are taking care of yourself. Taking care of yourself means you are eating healthy, exercising, getting enough sleep, and all that jazz that you already know about, but may or may not be so successful at doing. Being healthy is a critical aspect of enjoying life in general – it impacts so much more than sex. Healthy bodies just feel better to inhabit. They get sick less, move with less discomfort, and feel more vital. Healthy bodies live longer, have more energy, and less depression.

But for most of us, healthy bodies don’t just happen. This usually means we eat not what we want to, or how much we want to, but instead we eat what is good for our bodies. (To me, one of the great tragedies of being human is how little our bodies really need to eat to be healthy). It means eating whole foods instead of the complex chemical concoctions on the shelves of your local grocery store. Having a healthy body means working out when we’d rather sleep or watch TV. And it means maintaining determination to take good care of yourself over time. I tell my patients that they are either going to feel the pain of being unhealthy or the pain of not eating what they want to eat. So either way, some pain is unavoidable. But only one path offers long-term advantages.

Dr. Marianne Brandon

So how can you best go about your quest for health? Well I’m not going to go through all the stuff you already know about living a healthy lifestyle. But I do want to offer a few comments that may make the process less painful for you:

• If you have a negative body image, expect that the negative thoughts will probably continue. They may continue even if you are living a healthy lifestyle. So, don’t let those thoughts surprise you, or take you off guard. When you have them, be prepared with a come-back, like, “Okay, well I’m eating healthy and taking great care of my body right now. And I am proud of that.” If you become focused on the fact that you are having negative thoughts, you’ll just have more negative thoughts.
• Expect to have bad days. Days that you aren’t meeting your health goals. That is unavoidable. So don’t be thrown off by those, either. This is just a reminder that you are human, like the rest of us, and you will sometimes slip up. If you get all hung up and focused on your bad days (easy to do, I know), you’ll just have more bad days.
• Keep in mind that Western cultures are teaching unhealthy eating habits. You are going to have to actively resist what you see everywhere – super-sized this or that, high-carb food that has no nutritional value, and sitting in front of our computers and TVs for hours on end. To be healthy, you have to fight the tide of what has become habitual in Western cultures.
• You MUST find an exercise you like. It’s really not that hard anymore, if you are willing to look around and experiment. Exercise is HUGE business, so gyms are working hard to find fun and exhilarating ways to accomplish your goals. It’s not like high school gym class anymore. Find something you like to do, or you can at least tolerate with a minimum of dread – it IS possible.

And finally, here are things you can do in the bedroom to counteract a poor body image.

• Wear something sexy to make love in – something that covers you just enough so that you are less self-conscious.
• Candles are a fabulous way to offer mood lighting that is flattering to bodies.
• Focus on physical sensations, loving feelings, or your breath while making love rather than listening to the negative propaganda your mind is more than happy to generate in moments of intimacy.

Finally, remember that is it likely that you are your worst critic. That means you are probably much more aware of what you consider body flaws than your partner is. Keep in mind that what men find most appealing is a partner enjoying him or herself in bed. The majority of men would say that they are much more turned on by honest passion than they are by perfect bodies. And finally, what women find most appealing is the feeling of being cherished by her lover. Women are more focused on the quality of their romantic relationship that they are on a lover’s appearance.

Follow Dr. Marianne Brandon on Twitter @DrBrandon and Facebook to learn more, or comment, and she will continue this very important conversation. Until then, happy reading!

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Related: New Year’s Resolutions for a Better Sex Life

For example, in my sex therapy practice, some women feel that they take too long to lubricate. Some believe they don’t lubricate enough. Others say they lubricate too much. Sometimes women will say that they lubricate at first, but as their sex play continues, the lubrication seems to get absorbed and dryness can occur. Oftentimes, women are too embarrassed to bring up questions about lubrication with their doctors, so they may remain concerned and confused for years on end. However, talking with your doctor about this or any sexual concern is not only a very appropriate thing to do, but also critical to good self-care. While I can review with you some of the more common issues that impact lubrication, it is imperative that you seek appropriate medical advice rather than relying on this or any other impersonal information. Lubrication is an important issue for women, as lack of lubrication is the most common cause of sexual pain. So it is not a concern to be ignored.

First let me say that it is very common for women to believe they are not lubricating adequately when in fact their body is functioning normally. Women do not have the advantage that men do of knowing when their bodies are aroused. As a result, women often rely on their brains and hearts to inform them. Surprisingly enough, women’s bodies have been shown to respond to sexual stimuli even if their minds and hearts aren’t on board! For example, a woman may watch a porn flick with her partner and be relatively unmoved. However, it is likely that her body responded to the sexual stimuli in the porn video anyway. This phenomenon is more common in pre-menopausal women than women who are thru the menopausal transition, but it is an interesting aspect of female sexuality nonetheless. You know that I have stressed before how powerful an impact our unconscious mind has on our sexual feelings and behavior. This is a great example of how we can have a physical reaction without our conscious mind being aware.

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Secondly, I want to say that so many women compare their sexual responses to that of their partner’s. If their sexual partner is male, it is likely that he requires less time to become aroused – and this is especially true of younger men. So if a woman requires 30 minutes of foreplay to truly feel aroused, and her partner is ready to make love after five minutes of sex play, she might feel self-conscious for needing more. Please rest assured that these sex differences are normal. If this is the case for you, have your partner read this article so you both can be on the same wave length about this issue.

Now, if you are sure you are getting enough foreplay and you still aren’t lubricating adequately, then my next question is, are you enjoying your foreplay? Does your sex play turn you on? If not, think about how you can improve it. Maybe up the ante with some role play, or new sex toys, or … WOW the list is endless! Getting stuck in sexual ruts can make foreplay much less exciting over time, so be sure to switch things up on occasion.

Now if you feel you’ve covered all the above, then a variety of emotional and/or biological issues may be playing a role in your bodies sexual responses. From an emotional perspective, are you having a hard time concentrating? If your mind is focused elsewhere, then it’s not easy to become aroused. Are you feeling comfortable, intimate, and safe with your partner? If not, it’s hard to allow your body to open and receive pleasure. Is guilt or shame a factor? Sometimes we carry toxic emotions about sexuality that can interfere with our body’s response. Or are you so worried about performing adequately that your performance anxiety is inhibiting you? Finally, stress can impact our body in a variety of ways, sexuality being one of them. These are some examples of emotional issues that can impede your body’s lubrication response.

Related: Problems in Your Love Life? It’s Not Your Partner’s Fault

Now let’s consider some potential biological factors. Alcohol is a very common lubrication killer. One cocktail may help loosen you up, but remember that alcohol ultimately dehydrates the body. And it can make it more challenging for you to feel sensation, including sensation in the pelvis. Antihistamines and anti-depressants can make lubrication more challenging, as can anti-anxiety medication. Think about what you are putting into your body that can be impacting your sexual response. Do not hesitate to ask your doctor about possible sexual side effects to any medications you are taking.

Finally, another potential player in the lubrication conundrum is your menstrual cycle. Your lubrication may vary depending on where you are in your monthly cycle. And if you are over 35, peri-menopause may well be impacting your body’s lubrication response. As estrogen levels naturally decline with age, so does the lubrication response for many women. This is among the most common sexual complaints that occur with menopause. But please don’t despair; these issues can often be counteracted safely with localized estrogen, so please talk with your doctor about your options.

For the majority of lubrication troubles, store-bought lubrication can help tremendously. But this can be an article all to itself, as there are so so many differences among the varieties of over-the counter lubrication available. Be careful because some have added ingredients that can irritate sensitive skin. And be aware that oil-based lubricants can dissolve condoms! Most women have to experiment with a wide variety of products before they find what they like. Consider buying a sampler pack so that you can see what works best with your body. There are organic lubricants available at natural food stores, and some women like to use natural oils from their kitchen. You may want to talk to your doctor about what might be a better product for you.

WATCH: Dr. Sara NasserZadeh – How to Deal With A Selfish Lover

Dr. Marianne Brandon

In sum, your sexual responses can vary depending on how you are feeling in your physical and emotional life, and what’s happening in your romantic relationship. Variability in sexual response is natural. Be gentle with your expectations about your body. Focus your attention on enhancing the physical and emotional pleasure inherent in your experience rather than trying to obtain specific goals such as lubrication or orgasm. But as always, please see your doctor to be sure that you are getting the help that you need.

Related: Problems in Your Love Life? It’s Not Your Partner’s Fault

1. Love your partner better by looking into their eyes and complimenting them genuinely every day.
2. Honor your own body by making exercise a priority. Regular exercise will help you feel good emotionally and physically, and it can improve blood flow to your genitals.
3. Increase your intimacy by focusing on better communication – start by asking your partner how they are feeling every day, and listen for the answer.
4. Take better care of your body by getting enough sleep and eat healthfully. You will feel better and have more to give when your body is happy.
5. Make a point of bringing new ideas to the bedroom each month. Be it a sex toy, a new position, sexy clothes for one of you to wear, or ice cubes. New experiences generate passion, and all relationships need them on occasion.
6. Meditate daily. Research shows that daily meditation assists people with performance anxiety and helps people learn to tune into their physical selves while making love.
7. Make love more. Sex is good for your body, mind and spirit. Forget the excuses and embrace the benefits of lovemaking.
8. Plan a weekly date night. Children are no excuse – get the babysitter on a regular schedule. All couples need enjoyable time together to keep things feeling good. Dating is a fabulous investment in the health of your relationship!
9. Let yourself experiment with something that taps your wild side! Is there something your partner has always wanted
   

   Dr. Marianne Brandon

   to do but you’ve resisted? Maybe 2013 is the year!

10. Take a yoga class. Yoga is great for your body and mind, and several studies have shown that men and women report improvements in their sex lives when practicing yoga on a regular basis.
11. In 2013, say “I love you” consciously, and like you mean it. Let your partner feel the truth of the words.

In sum, I hope you found a great goal for the New Year. Join us in taking self-improvement steps that will benefit you and your love life!

• Follow Dr. Marianne Brandon on Twitter @DrBrandon and Facebook to learn more, or comment, and she will continue this very important conversation. Until then, happy reading!
  • For more daily expert updates, follow genConnect on Twitter and Facebook.
  • To stay on top of Dr. Marianne Brandon’s latest posts, as well as the contributions from other experts on the site: Sign Up for genConnect.

  
  

I have been doing couples therapy since 1997.  That’s a long time.  So you can trust that I’m speaking from experience – experience from working with hundreds of couples over these 15 years, experience from my own marriage of 18 years, and experience from interacting with numerous couples in my personal life since 19……well, we can leave that year out.  But let’s just say I’ve been here a while.

Related: Acting Your Age Between the Sheets

So anyway, let’s talk about one of the most toxic assumptions that most of us carry at some point in our romantic relationship, and sometimes, we carry them for many decades.  And that is, that our partner is to blame for “it.”  That “it” can be anything – you fill in the blank.  Maybe it’s a less than satisfying sex life, or financial trouble, or your inability to get to the gym and lose weight, or the fact that you and your boyfriend still aren’t married.  The world offers us a billion problems that we can oh so easily hand off to our partner as their fault.  Our partners are sitting ducks for this kind of culpability.  They are intimately involved in our daily lives, and they do contribute to the trials and tribulations of living and loving.  But blame typically ends up being an unhelpful and even destructive force for your relationship, not to mention for your sex life.

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And here’s the problem:  there will always be trials and tribulations of living. Always. That is a part of being human that, like death and taxes, never goes away.  Now of course there are some people roaming this planet who truly have mastered the art of positive thinking, and they are so high on life that there is no need to blame anyone for anything.  I’m not speaking about those folks.  But then they aren’t reading this article (or writing this article) because the topic would never attract them.  YOU are reading this article because you know exactly what I’m talking about.  So back to my point.

Now I am not a Buddhist, but I do love that philosophy and I borrow from it in my own life and in my therapy room all the time.  And the First Noble Truth of Buddhism is this, “Life is Suffering.”  Now, I first heard that statement in a college comparative religions course.  And WOW did it irritate me.  What kind of religion, rather than offering hope, serves up that pessimistic piece of wisdom? “You have got to be kidding me” was my open-minded, all-wise, non-judgmental response. LOL. Then fast forward a few decades. No longer a naive young woman ready to take on the world, I now have lived and learned and experienced this planet a bit more. I have felt disappointments, loss, hurt, and betrayal. And I have witnessed suffering beyond my capacity to even imagine when I was a young college student – suffering in my therapy room, and anguish in the world.  And I get it. To be human is to sometimes experience suffering.  (I will stop here with this Noble Truth, but let me add that Buddhists have much more to say on this issue that is helpful and optimistic.  But that is also beyond the scope of this article).

Related: 50 Shades of Confusion: Why the Sex We Want Isn’t Happening

So, back to YOU.  There are things in your life that are not satisfying, that are disappointing, and that are hurtful. This is part of what it is to be human. (Of course, there are also aspects of your life that are joyful, beautiful, and loving.  But we aren’t worrying about those things right now). So you hurt. And because you are a human being and you have one of those “advanced brains” that we are all so very proud of, you are motivated – no, perhaps programmed is a better term – to create a story about all of your problems.  From an evolutionary perspective, creating these explanations for everything in your world is automatic, so that you can avoid harm and thus keep yourself alive long enough to reproduce. And I’m not even saying your story is wrong – what I’m saying is, there is a bigger story here, and it will serve you and your romantic partner if you are at least aware of it.

Related:  How to Nag Your Partner Effectively

So think about what I’m saying in terms of your smaller earthly truths, and then the greater human truth.  For example, a small earthly truth may be that your sex life isn’t all that you want it to be.  Your partner feels too self-conscious or threatened to venture into new, more creative territory.  You are bored out of your mind in the bedroom, and it’s your partner’s fault.  Now this is true, but to a point.  The greater human truth is that, if you weren’t struggling with your sex life, you’d be struggling with something else. Maybe even your sex life on another level – like say, maybe your partner finally does become more sexually open minded, but now she wants to swing! And you were totally unprepared for this turn of events!  Remember that movie Sex Monster with Mariel Hemingway? So hilarious! Go watch that and then come back to finish this article.

Ok, so I hope my point is getting clearer.  Life will not be without challenges. NOW DO NOT GET ME WRONG, I AM NOT SUGGESTING THAT YOU STOP WORKING ON YOUR EARTHY ISSUES. I am not saying don’t go to couples therapy, or to stop encouraging your partner in bed.  This is not a message about giving up.  This is a message about wisely putting your earthly problems into context.  And realizing that regardless of who your partner is, your life and your relationship will entail suffering sometimes.  And as perfect as your partner may be, he or she cannot remove that aspect of life, just as you cannot remove that aspect of life for them.  Getting overly focused on your partner’s contribution to your earthly problems will prevent you from achieving real relief – that is, a level of acceptance that exists beyond blame and enters the realm of a more tender, forgiving love and a more peaceful life.

Related: Creating Distance With Your Partner (Without Realizing It)

Dr. Marianne Brandon

Now you know there’s always a disclaimer. And for this article, my disclaimer is this: sometimes earthy problems are too huge to approach in a calm manner.  For example, if your partner is physically, sexually, or emotionally abusive, BLAME YOUR PARTNER AND GET HELP. Some issues must be approached in the more traditional blame your partner way.  Find a therapist by contacting your state psychological association, or locate a sex therapist at www.aasect.org.  The issues I am referring to in this article are ones that average healthy adults deal with in average healthy marriages.  And remember that this advice is NOT a substitute for therapy, or an assessment by a qualified health care provider.

OK, so that being said, your take home message is: you will be well served to find a very insightful middle ground where you work together with your partner to create satisfying lives, but at the same time, you do not blame your partner for the fact that relationship challenges and life challenges are inevitable, and if it’s not this thing, it will be that thing.  And so it goes.

Related: Dr. Sara NasserZadeh: How to Deal With a Selfish Lover (VIDEO)

To assist you in your efforts at finding this middle ground, may I offer you this lovely Buddhist prayer of compassion. As you read it, remind yourself of what you want to blame your partner for today.

Just like me this person is seeking some happiness for his/her life.

Just like me this person is trying to avoid suffering in his/her life.

Just like me this person has known sadness, loneliness and despair.

Just like me this person is seeking to fulfill his/her needs.

Just like me this person is learning about life.

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But the truth is, making love is much more complex for humans than other mammals because we have evolved brains (even though we don’t always act like it), which complicates our sexual experience just as much as it enhances it. So, for example, our profound ability to love can magnify feelings of desire and sexual satisfaction. However, our equally powerful ability to feel hurt and rejection clearly interferes with love-making, at least on occasion.

Related: Tips to Deepen Your Lovemaking Experience 

I have no doubt that you all agree.

Let’s consider one example of how easy it is for a love-making session to degenerate into something less than pleasant.

Here’s the problem: It is surprisingly easy for us to feel threatened, hurt, rejected, or self-conscious when in such a vulnerable-making situation as love-making. And that just makes sense, because it is during love-making that we are most exposed – we are even without clothing. This opens the door for toxic emotions to seep in, such as those mentioned above. And when we feel these ways, it’s easy to revert back to a less evolved emotional state. That’s a kind way of saying we get immature, and we stop acting our age. So instead of behaving as the mature adult we like to think we are, we somehow find ourselves acting quite adolescent – yet feeling completely justified in doing so. And when one person expresses their “inner juvenile,” the other is usually quick to follow. So now we have two adolescents trying to make love – not usually a smooth experience, particularly when their biological age is several decades older.

So, for example, assuming a heterosexual couple, he comes on to her and she’s not interested. She agrees anyway, trying to be a good sport. But her heart isn’t into it, and she tells him to skip foreplay. This is not a good idea because now her body will not get the warm-up time necessary for her to open and really connect with him. And so he feels this rejection, which makes him feel small and ashamed – like he’s 16 again, being sexually rejected for the first time. He shuts down emotionally so as to not feel that discomfort, closes his eyes, and becomes robotic in his movements. His stiffness makes her feel used and unloved – and now, in a nanosecond, it is her turn to revert back to an emotional age of 14. And so it goes, as each partner feeds off the discomfort of the other. And unfortunately, now there is no adult in the room to turn things around.

Related: 50 Shades of Confusion – Why the Sex We Want Isn’t Happening 

These kinds of scenarios are not uncommon. But with a little effort, you don’t have to participate in this melodramatic sex drama. I suggest that at the first feeling of discomfort, check in with yourself. How old do you feel? You’ll be surprised that you can actually identify it pretty clearly – the stubborn adolescent, the hurt child – these aspects live on in all of us, and they tend to show up at inopportune times – such as the bedroom. And when these parts of our personalities come to the party, it typically doesn’t end well. What could have been a sweet opportunity for connection and comfort becomes a Petri dish for hostility and hurt.

However, the good news is that if you get in the habit of checking in with yourself, you can drastically improve the dynamic between you and your partner. So, in the example above, either one of those folks could have intervened as an adult and turned the situation around. Rather than shut down, he could have maturely said, “I really appreciate your trying, but I can tell you aren’t into this. How can we make this better for you?”

Related: How to Nag Your Partner Effectively

Likewise, she could have said: “I feel so distracted right now. But I do want to connect. Can we make love tomorrow night instead?” Or, “Honey can you open your eyes? You feel so far away.”

Dr. Marianne Brandon

In fact, there are endless ways to maturely respond to the above scenario. The key lies in acting your biological age when doing so.

So remember, it’s easy to regress when making love because it’s such a vulnerable experience. But as soon as you let yourself respond from an immature place, the situation is likely to degenerate. So do yourself and your lover a favor, and do your part to make things run smoothly. Take a deep breath, ask yourself how old you feel, and then find the more mature part of your psyche to take charge. If all you can access is immaturity at the moment, then ask for a minute to gather your thoughts. The more you do it, the easier this will become.

Now, that being said, please keep in mind that you can NEVER use this advice as a substitute for therapy or medical attention. This article is intended for folks who are not struggling with significant intimacy issues. If you have any questions or concerns, consult an appropriate medical or psychological professional in person. Generalized advice such as this can never take the place of a professional assessment and treatment.

Follow Dr. Marianne Brandon on Twitter @DrBrandon and Facebook to learn more, or comment, and she will continue this very important conversation. Until then, happy reading!

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Sex therapy expert Dr. Marianne Brandon’s recommendations on how to put some more sizzle in your love life

It’s getting colder outside, which means perhaps you’re looking for a way to turn up the heat – both literally, and in your relationship. Keeping in mind that most people in long-term relationships easily get stuck in sexual ruts, bringing more of your heart into the picture will likely have a sizzling impact on your intimate connection.

Related: 50 Shades of Confusion – Why the Sex We Want Isn’t Happening 

Here are some ideas:

• While making love, look him or her in the eye and whisper some of the things you love about them. You can speak about their personality, their body, the way they treat you, whatever feels right. But make it genuine, because no one is turned on by a liar. Also, keep in mind that whispering is key – you are not trying to start a conversation. Make your words part of your sex play.
• When making love, imagine that you can dissolve your skin and literally allow your body to melt into your partner’s body. Concentrate on the feeling, and surrender yourself into your partner’s body. Let yourself literally become absorbed and melt away… This can be a very vulnerable experience if you let it. And if you read my writing, you should know by now that vulnerability between
  

  Dr. Marianne Brandon

  the sheets can enhance everyone’s experience.

• Breathe your partner’s body into yours. Imagine when you are breathing in that you can fill your entire being with the essence of your partner. Allow your partner into every nook and cranny of your body – your belly, your neck, your thighs – let your body totally fill up with theirs. What does it feel like to be consumed by them?

Related: How to Nag Your Partner Effectively

• Pour your love all over your partner’s body like its thick, rich, chocolate syrup dripping from your mouth, your fingers, and your body. Smother your lover with total bliss and love. Imagine that you can cover every inch of them with your sweet tenderness. Don’t let them take over – be sure that they take the time to literally marinade in the energy you offer. Give your partner the gift of basking in the essence of radiant love.

Do you have any other ideas about making your relationship hotter? Tell us about it!

Follow Dr. Marianne Brandon on Twitter @DrBrandon and Facebook to learn more, or comment, and she will continue this very important conversation. Until then, happy reading!

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Dr. Marianne Brandon

Paula Broadwell, David Petraus investigation continues to include national security angle; clinical psychologist and relationship expert Dr. Marianne Brandon how how to handle work secrets in the bedroom

As the controversy still swirls surrounding the relationship between just-resigned CIA Director David Petraeus and his biographer, Paula Broadwell, the U.S. Senate Intelligence Committee will investigate why higher ups didn’t know about reports of the affair until just before the media got wind of the news, and that the relationship ”could have had an effect on national security.” This comes after an FBI investigation of Broadwell concluded there was no threat to national security after it looked into complaints from a Petraeus family friend, Jill Kelley, about receiving harassing e-mails from Broadwell. There is a fear that perhaps Broadwell was privy to sensitive information Petraeus had regarding national security issues.

WATCH: Paula Broadwell – Leadership Lessons From David Petraeus

Many people deal with secrets when it comes to their work – whether they are in the military, intelligence community, psychology or psychiatry, or other fields. So how does one deal with keeping professional secrets private when it comes to their loves ones, friends or family? We reached out to Dr. Marianne Brandon, clinical psychologist and diplomat in sex therapy, for her thoughts on how couples can deal with professional secrets. Here’s what she said…

• It is my experience working with many people having security clearances (my office is near the Navy and Washington, D.C.) that it is often it’s the spouse/friend/family member that has more of an issue with professional secrets than the professional him or herself.  The professional gets used to keeping work life and private separate.
• Even in private moments/pillow talk, work isn’t what feels most intimate to share. So maintaining those boundaries isn’t necessarily challenging in more private moments.
• Speaking from experience as a clinical psychologist, I take my work very seriously and I want to protect my patients. So, maintaining confidentiality and not telling people about my patients feels like the right thing to do.
• On the flip side, oftentimes spouses get bored about hearing about their partner’s work issues all the time – they will say it’s not personal enough, and long for deeper conversation. So it’s not like those who work in situations where there are no “work secrets” necessarily have an easier time of it. These folks still must work to create meaningful discussions that are not work related.

What to do about minimize the discomfort of professional secrets?  

“Make sure you have a connected, open relationship in other aspects,” Dr. Brandon says. “Quality time together sharing new and interesting experiences will go a long way in mending distance in other aspects of life. When couples feel emotionally connected, work secrets will feel less threatening and basically less important.”

WATCH: Dr. Brandon on Why Powerful Men Have Affairs

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Why is it that so many women are craving passion in long-term relationships but not getting it? I suspect most women wouldn’t be so ardently reading the 50 Shades trilogy if they were experiencing more lust in their own bedrooms. So why in the world, when nearly EVERYONE wants a better sex life, is it not happening for probably the majority of couples?

Related: 50 Shades of Grey Meets Evolutionary Theory

Well I would like to say there is an easy answer for that question, but there isn’t. The answer is quite complicated and it does depend on the individual couple and their unique sexual dynamics.

You know if you read my writing that monogamy is not necessarily a natural state for primates (you included). And the simple fact of making love with the same person time and time again results in a natural decrease in longing. (You can’t really long for something that is handed to you every day on a silver platter – unless it’s chocolate, but that’s another conversation entirely.) Nonetheless, there is a LOT both men and women do today to sabotage their instinctual animal longing without even realizing it.

Here are some things each gender does to kill the primal passion you read about in 50 Shades of Grey:

• Ladies, you KNOW that foreplay starts outside of the bedroom. You tell your partner that if he took out the garbage or helped with the kids, you’d want to have sex with him. But the same wisdom can be applied to us! Supporting the masculinity in your man will only increase the chances that he’ll bring that energy back into the bedroom and serve it up on you. So keep in mind that nagging him makes him feel like a child, and he’s probably not going to want to have sex with his “mother.”  Find ways to communicate with him that are respectful and don’t make him feel like a kid who has messed up again.

Related: The Link Between Food and Sex

• Gentlemen, this one’s for you. Without going in depth into evolutionary theory, you need to understand something. You are innately wired NOT to fight women. This is a good thing, cause if men were as comfortable fighting women as they are fighting other men, our entire species would probably be just a memory on this planet. But here is your dilemma: If you do not challenge your woman on occasion, and you always let her win arguments, she will eventually lose respect for you. If she loses respect for you, you can forget about sex. In the bedroom, she is only going to let go in your arms if she feels at a deep and profound level that you are stronger than she is.

• Ladies, here’s a mantra for you: “Human perfection does not exist.” We aren’t perfect, and either are our men. Problem is, they are a lot more forgiving of our imperfections than we are of theirs, as a rule. When you try and fix everything “wrong” with your man, you tame him. It’s like taking an animal out of the wild and making him a house pet. The more perfect you make your man, the less sexy he’s going to be to you. Or think of it this way – if you successfully control your man, you won’t want to have sex with him. To long for him, he’s got to have that primal animal edge. If you take that away from him, you’ll be sorry. I’ve seen it a zillion times in my therapy room.

• Gentlemen, the simple fact is that you get lazy at home. At the end of your work day, you want to just go home and relax. This is totally understandable, BUT it is a deal knoll for your sex life. When you get home, your woman wants to feel your presence, your strength, your man-power. If you sit down in front of the TV and open a beer, she feels like she’s looking at an adolescent, not a man. She won’t want to make love to a boy. So your take-home message: At the end of the day, you can’t leave your alpha side at your work desk. Bringing that part of you home at night is essential if you want a good sex life.

Related: Keep the Flame Alive; Love Life After Kids

Follow Dr. Marianne Brandon on Twitter @DrBrandon and Facebook to learn more, or comment, and she will continue this very important conversation. Until then, happy reading!

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Want your partner to listen to you? Relationship expert Dr. Marianne Brandon on how to nag nicely and effectively…

Ladies, we’ve all been there. If you’ve asked him once, you’ve asked 50 times. At some point you stopped asking nicely and your tone officially turned to nagging. Now, somehow, it’s hard to stop. The nag feels strangely natural rolling off your tongue. And you feel oh so justified in doing it. After all, who could blame you? Your request is more than appropriate, and your partner is more than capable of following through. Anyway, what choice do you have? You know of no other way to handle this situation.

Well you’ve come to the right place, because there is actually a more effective solution out there. And you need it. If you keep nagging, it’s unlikely that he is going to suddenly respond the way you want him to.

You both have become embattled in one of those obnoxious power struggles that long-term committed partners do so very well. When couples get entrenched in this type of communication dance, everyone suffers. The TV becomes more and more appealing. She feels irritable around him. He shuts down around her. Sometimes she ups the ante by getting more dramatic in her efforts to get his attention. He closes down even more as a result. Making love becomes a rare event. In fact, you are lucky if you are still having sex. After all, who wants to make love to a man who is so tuned out from reality? And vice-versa, who wants to make love to a woman who won’t stop nagging you?

You with me so far? Yes, I thought so. I’ve been doing couples therapy for a while now, I know this game. So allow me to offer you a very powerful and effective alternative to the nag. You know I’m very influenced by evolutionary theory, so we are going to use your man’s evolutionary programming to your advantage. But it’s going to require self-control, exposure and sincerity on your part. I hope you are up for it.

Here’s the deal – we nag when we are irritated. Irritation is a form of anger. Anger is almost always an emotion that is fueled by something else – a deeper, more vulnerable feeling. When you look “under” your anger, chances are you’ll find some combination of sadness, rejection, and/or fear. (Fear is almost always at the core of everything dark, but if you get to sadness or rejection, that’s good enough). So ladies, find your sadness or your rejection, and let yourself really feel it. Drop down into it, so you feel it in your entire body. These emotions make us feel defenseless, helpless, hopeless, and obviously very uncomfortable. Anger, in contrast, energizes us, and makes us feel stronger and superior. Anger is a natural emotion and when expressed in a healthy way, it can be a very productive one, too.

I am in no way against anger. Personally, I’m a big fan. BUT it’s when anger gets expressed in unproductive ways that things go very wrong. And nagging is one of those unproductive expressions of anger that we want to avoid if possible. I’ve yet to hear a woman tell me that her nagging is effective in getting what she needs. In fact, here’s a word of warning. If you were to succeed in getting what you want via nagging, then you will have a new problem on your hands. You will lose respect for a man who requires nagging to get something done. But that’s a topic for another article.

OK, so let’s review. We know expressions of anger can be healthy, but nagging is not one of those expressions. We know that there are more vulnerable emotions under your anger. So here’s the deal – you have to genuinely find those deeper emotions, and then share them.

Note that I have italicized the word genuinely – cause if you aren’t being genuine in your feeling, this will become manipulation and that’s even worse than nagging cause at least nagging is more direct. So don’t mess up this advice by messing with his mind and manipulating. What you need to do is find that genuine feeling of rejection or hurt or whatever, embody it (meaning feel it in your entire body), look him in the eyes, and let him see it. And then, without attacking or belittling him, tell him about it. Keep your tone soft so you don’t sound like a mother guilting her son.

So, for example, “When I have to remind you that it’s trash day every week, I feel so alone here. I feel so unsupported – like you don’t love me, and like you don’t really care what my days are like or how hard I’m trying. I so want our marriage to feel good to both of us. It’s the most important thing in the world to me. This hurts so much, David.”

Here’s why this will work –men are intuitively oriented to protect women. It’s just what they are instinctively programmed to do. Dr. Roy Baumeister explored this concept in his book, Is There Anything Good About Men?. For example, men want to hold doors open for women, and they want to solve women’s problems (even if all a woman wants is for him to listen). This aspect of men’s psyche is likely to be evolutionary supported because if a man takes care of and protects his woman, his offspring are more likely to survive and thus his DNA marches on.

So this is good news for you. Because if you approach him from a soft, honest, feminine sensitivity, it should tap the efficient, get-things-done masculine aspect of his personality. (In contrast, nagging is not a vulnerable, soft, open communication. So all nagging does is kick in his defensiveness).

Dr. Marianne Brandon

I’ve seen this work time and time again. But it’s got to be sincere on your part. AND I’d also suggest you pick your battles. We ladies can be a bit too picky, and it’s good to have reasonable expectations of our partner so he has room to breathe. If you have molded your partner into perfection, you’ll lose respect for him – a topic for another post.

OK, so let’s review:

1. Pick your battles. Don’t try to make your partner perfect.
2. Go underneath your anger to the more vulnerable feelings hiding out there.
3. Sincerely show your man these feelings with your eyes, the tone of your voice, and your words.
4. Mother Nature should take care of the rest.

If it sounds simple, it’s not. Anger is easy. Deeper, vulnerable-feeling emotions are much harder to express. But healthy relationships require these sorts of efforts to keep them out of dysfunction. So this is an example of the “relationships take work” mantra we all love to say, but then don’t actually follow through with.

Of course, nothing is fool proof, so it is possible that your man is so turned off that even showing him how he impacts you will have little effect. In this case, you may want to consider a couples therapist. You can find a sex therapist in your area at www.aasect.org.

Follow Dr. Marianne Brandon on Twitter @DrBrandon and Facebook to learn more, or comment, and she will continue this very important conversation. Until then, happy reading!

• For more daily expert updates, follow genConnect on Twitter and Facebook.
• To stay on top of Dr. Marianne Brandon’s latest posts, as well as the contributions from other experts on the site: Sign Up for genConnect.

Our intentions are generally pretty good. The majority of us are trying to be the best romantic partner we can, at least most of the time. But sometimes, in spite of our best intentions, we don’t act like the person we want to be. Interestingly, research consistently suggests that the vast majority of our thoughts, feelings, and behaviors are unconsciously motivated.

In fact, many scientists suggest that up to 95% of what we do and say is not consciously generated, as much as it feels that it is. Think about that for a minute. Scientists actually can observe parts of the brain responding – thus creating a feeling or prompting a movement – before the conscious mind is aware! That means that your conscious mind receives input about what is already happening, but because we are control freaks, we pretend it was our conscious idea in the first place! Hilarious.

Let’s take a moment to look at some of the more common distancing tactics that men and women play out in romantic relationship without even realizing it. These behaviors may not be consciously chosen with the intention of creating distance. However, the unconscious may be actively working to create some space between you and your partner. Behaviors like these can sometimes interfere with an active, satisfying sex life. BUT it is important to remember that sometimes distance is healthy and supportive of romance, so don’t just assume that creating distance is a bad thing. Also, as Freud himself would say, sometimes a cigar is just a cigar, which means that the behavior may be pure and uncomplicated in its motive. This article is simply an invitation for you to examine your own actions so that you may determine if there are any you’d like to consciously tweak.

- Going to bed at different times. Many couples have to do this because of work schedules, or simply differing body clocks. However, some couples seem to fall into these patterns and stick with them, with no clear benefit for anyone. Going to bed at the same time offers couples a chance to cuddle, have pillow talk, and basically be more sensually focused rather than brain focused. Couples who forfeit this connection every night miss a wonderful opportunity for intimate bonding.

- Texting during dinner. Ouch, this is one we are all guilty of. But don’t you feel sorry for the partner in a restaurant who is essentially eating alone? Making a habit of bringing the phone to the dinner table is a great way to avoid conversation with your partner. Is that really what you want to do?

- Watching your TV shows. Yes it’s true, most people have their favorite nights on TV, and favorite TV shows can become an important part of some people’s lives. But tuning out your partner one night a week (or more) so you can tune into someone else’s life is not necessarily a compliment to your loved one. Can you tape your shows and watch them at a more convenient time? Or try and find shows that you both can agree on? At least if you are watching together, there can be a sense of connection if you try.

- Falling asleep on the couch. This is another habit that can create distance for a couple. Sometimes the act of falling asleep, even when partners are in the same room, results in the awake partner feeling shut down and unimportant. And you can see why – falling asleep on the couch regularly says to a partner “no more intimate contact tonight. I’m done.” This can feel rejecting and lonely for the partner left awake, especially when there are so few opportunities for intimate bonding in the stressful lives we lead.

- Yes, you were waiting for this one – perhaps the most obvious of all – your computer. Whether you hide out in your office in the evenings, or you bring the laptop into the family room, your attention is still on the screen and not with your partner. Facebook, games, email, virtual worlds….OMG the list is endless! I know there isn’t enough time in the day to accomplish all that you want to in cyberspace. But here’s the deal –cyberspace is a bottomless pit. Your lover’s patience is not. I have seen many marriages dissolve while one partner stayed glued to their computer screen. What a shame.

Dr. Marianne Brandon

Let me remind you that none of these behaviors is always motivated by a desire for distance. They are simply some of the more common habits people can get into that may magnify disconnection and cause further discord. If you see yourself in any of these examples, then I’d suggest you start talking to your partner. Speak up in a calm, loving way about what’s not feeling quite right in the relationship.

The sooner you work on it, the better your chances will be of a smooth recovery. I tell my patients that problems are like mold in the refrigerator. When we ignore them, they grow rapidly and then they are that much more challenging to clean up. Relationships are a struggle for everyone at times. Putting some effort into issues now really can prevent bigger problems from unfolding down the road.

Follow Dr. Marianne Brandon on Twitter @DrBrandon and Facebook to learn more, or comment, and she will continue this very important conversation. Until then, happy reading!

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Helen Gurley Brown dies at age of 90; sex experts Dr. Marianne Brandon and Debby Herbenick weigh in on Brown’s impact on women and how they view sex, themselves

Helen Gurley Brown died Monday at the age of 90. Brown shocked society with her ideas about women and sex. Her 1962 book, Sex and the Single Girl, shook up early-1960s America with the news that unmarried women had sex and enjoyed it. As the editor of Cosmopolitan magazine for 30 years, Brown included real-life, no-holds-barred discussions about sex in the magazine, and offered ways for women to enjoy sex even more.

Related: Master the Art of Seduction – One Bite at a Time

So what was Brown’s lasting effect on women today, and how they view sex? We asked Dr. Marianne Brandon, clinical psychologist, Diplomat in sex therapy through AASECT, and author of Monogamy: The Untold Story and co-author of Reclaiming Desire: 4 Keys to Finding Your Lost Libido. Here’s what she said…

Dr. Marianne Brandon

“Helen Gurley Brown was undoubtedly one of the more courageous and pioneering women of our era. She played a pivotal role in giving women permission to take pleasure in sex, and to consider enjoyable sex as a birthright. While she remained controversial on a variety of levels, she clearly encouraged women to become more open and available sexually – a transformation that ultimately impacts so much more than sex in a woman’s life. Helen Gurley Brown started a revolution that assists women in developing the skills to give and receive love more fully. It is my hope that we can carry on this sexual revolution that she so bravely and profoundly contributed to.”

Related: The Link Between Food and Sex

Debby Herbenick, PhD, research scientist at Indiana University and author of Sex Made Easy, said Brown certainly was a key factor in the 1960s and forward.

Debby Herbenick

“She was very vocal about challenging mainstream ideas about women’s sexualities, and also women’s capabilities in various sectors of life – including the workplace,” Herbenick told genConnect. “She championed issues related to sexual expression and access to contraception. And while our society has made significant leaps forward in this regard, we are still clearly dealing with similar issues even today.”

Related: Your Contraception Questions Answered

Others are also weighing in on Brown’s impact on women…

“Helen Gurley Brown pushed boundaries and often broke them, clearing the way for younger women to follow in her path. NYC will miss her,” Tweeted the New York City Mayor’s office.

“Don’t use men to get what you want in life. Get it for yourself.” -Helen Gurley Brown, we will never forget your fierceness!” Tweeted model and talk-show host Tyra Banks.

“I’m so sad about Helen Gurley Brown. She was a groundbreaker for women. A General in the sexual revolution. A generous lady. A dear friend,” Tweeted Joan Rivers.

Tell us: What do you view as Helen Gurley Brown’s most important impact on women, culture, and society?

• For more daily expert updates, follow genConnect on Twitter and Facebook.
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Related: The Link Between Food and Sex

Why are these erotic fiction books creating such a stir? I believe it is because E. L.  James writes about issues that women are evolutionarily programmed to desire – that is, in spite of our conscious logic and our modern day ideals, women still instinctively respond to certain aspects of masculinity as they would have thousands of years ago. We can take the woman out of the forest, but we can’t totally take the forest out of the woman.

Let me explain.

I am about to over-simplify an extremely complex narrative. But here it goes…

There are basic differences between men and women that have led us to enact very different roles in our evolutionary history. Because women give birth, they have historically depended on men for some very important functions. In the past, a woman needed a man to care for her while pregnant, and to feed and protect her and her baby for at least several years after giving birth. As a result, the women who partnered with the strongest, most dominant men gave their babies the best chances of survival. Not only that, we know that dominance in men is linked to better genetics –specifically, a stronger immune system. Choosing a partner with the best genetics could in fact be the single most important gift a woman can give her baby. In these very basic ways, it is clear why women have historically been attracted to dominant men.

WATCH: Keep the Flame Alive; Love Life After Kids

In our world today, dominance is expressed in a variety of ways. Women perceive dominance by how a man walks, the sound of his voice, his access to desirable resources like money or protection, his level of self-confidence, and his intelligence – among many other possibilities In contrast, men who are perceived as needy of a woman’s attention are definitely not experienced as dominant. Nor are men who avoid taking control of situations, or who are considered emotionally sensitive. I could go on, but you get the picture.

So even as women today verbalize the desire for a sensitive man who is a fabulous father and good communicator, her innate attraction to an alpha male is not banished from her make-up. And from the perspective of this sex therapist, nowhere is this more obvious than in the bedroom.

Repeatedly in my office I hear women say that they want a stronger man in bed – a man who will take control, lovingly open their hearts and bodies, and take them to their sexual edge. Women want this, and women are afraid of it at the same time. Being with a dominant man in bed requires her submission – a bad word in our culture. Sadly, many couples are unable to even articulate these conflicts, let alone work them out. Men say their woman won’t relax and let go. Women say they need a better man than them in bed. These conflicts are common in my therapy room. Thus, in spite of our post-modern culture and ideals, we still struggle with very basic historical desires.

Related: Make Your Sex Life More Exciting

So this is, in essence, why women are enamored with 50 Shades. Women have an innate tendency to respond sexually to an alpha male.

But it is much safer to read about another woman surrendering to an alpha than to do so oneself. This level of vulnerability frightens women. But ladies, this does not mean that your deepest sexual longings are destined to be gratified only through fiction novels. You can, if you like, learn how to make love in ways that engage these age-old dynamics of dominance and surrender. Making love this way requires developing skills just as you would need to learn how to paint or dance in a certain tradition. Practice surrendering to your man (or woman) in little ways throughout the day. See what it feels like to be receptive and open, rather than assertive and controlling. If your partner truly is trustworthy, allow yourself to be more vulnerable and feel the sweetness inherent in that dynamic.

Related: Is Your Partner Faking It?

Ask your man to experiment with tenderly taking charge during intimacy. In this way, you and your partner can build the skills to create extraordinarily erotic moments that feed female’s innate desires to be taken and ravished by a strong yet gentle lover. Making love in this way is an extremely emotionally intimate experience, let alone very a passionate one. No longer will you be relegated to reading about it to experience it!

Follow Dr. Marianne Brandon on Twitter @DrBrandon and Facebook

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Is your love life getting boring? Psychologist and sex therapist Dr. Marianne Brandon on how to spice up things in the bedroom this Valentine’s Day

Well it’s that time of year again – whether your lover is delighting you or making you miserable, it’s time to acknowledge your love for him/her. Valentine’s Day is all about lovers. And just like sex itself, this holiday can bring with it a sort of “performance anxiety” – because if you don’t perform to expectations, your lover may not be so happy with you.

Related: Dr. Sara NasserZadeh: How to Deal With a Selfish Lover (VIDEO)

Not everyone softens to this kind of pressure. Some people become Valentine’s Day “scrooges” and refuse to participate. But I’d like to suggest that Valentine’s Day is actually a fabulous idea, and you can use it to your advantage – and your lover’s.  With the right attitude, you can turn this into a win-win holiday.

For starters, Valentine’s Day doesn’t have to be about chocolate hearts and roses again this year– that’s so 2011!  Why not make Valentine’s Day a little more interesting and useful? If you are like most couples, your love life could probably benefit from an energy shot. For one thing, that’s because it’s so very easy for sex to become routine over time.

Is your sex life getting kind of boring?

Most couples find a certain pattern of foreplay and intercourse feels best, so they get into the habit of repeating what works. However, over time, this repetition becomes a recipe for boring love-making. And boring sex may be the single most common relationship concern, even though people don’t always admit to it. Why not use Valentine’s Day to rectify this dangerous but understandable mistake?

Related: Sex and the First Year Postpartum, By Marianne Brandon, PhD

But it’s not just a boring love life that is meddling with intimacy these days. Another common problem that can sabotage  is actually a natural outgrowth of living – closure. That is, life has the power to shut us down emotionally without our realizing it. Stress alone can do it – and who among us isn’t stressed these days? Stress causes us to tighten and withdraw. This is a natural self-protective mechanism that we do without realizing it. We cut ourselves off a bit from the world so that life feels a little less challenging. However, when we put this distance between our inner selves and the world, we unconsciously bring it into the bedroom. Our closure becomes reflected in our love life – in who we are as a lover. We become less accessible to our partners and even to our own sensations of pleasure! How would you rate yourself as a lover these days? If you aren’t making a regular effort to counteract the natural process of closure, it’s probably affecting your love life. Of course, this can create a negative feedback loop – the more you close, the more your partner closes in response, the more you close to them, etc, etc…

Enter Valentine’s Day – your perfect opportunity to stop these nasty trends dead in their tracks, and hit the sexual “reset” button. And in the spirit of Valentine’s Day, I’m going to suggest that you borrow some ideas from the ancient Eastern art of tantra to heat things back up a bit.

Related: Single Ladies: Marriage Isn’t Obsolete But Start With Love

It may surprise you to know that one powerful way to intensify your love life is to make it more “heart-focused.” The ancient Eastern art of tantra can provide us with some suggestions. Tantric practitioners intensify love making by enhancing openness and vulnerability of body and heart, and bringing a sense of sacredness to their intimate moments. The more open and loving people feel, the more of their emotional selves are available for intimacy, and the more passionate the experience. Plus, revealing more of your emotional self  can have the added advantage of increasing anxiety which also fuels passion – a moderate level of anxiety can actually increase excitement. Love-making like this takes us to our sexual edge, which fuels a passionate connection and keeps intimacy from getting boring. Have I convinced you?

Here are some exciting ways to revamp your bedroom behavior on Valentine’s Day like never before:

1. Honor your lover by writing them a love letter, explaining all the reasons you love him or her. Write about what attracted you in the first place, and why you admire them. You can leave it on their toothbrush or the front seat of their car. This will open both of your hearts a little wider and set a loving tone for later.
2. Before making love, spoon consciously. Cradle your partner and concentrate on matching your breath with theirs. Surrender control and let your body adapt to their rhythm. Imagine your body melting into theirs, as if your skin is dissolving and there is no barrier between you. Let your body be consumed by your lover’s body.
3. 

   Dr. Marianne Brandon

   During foreplay, be conscious of the way you are touching your lover’s body, and what this touch is communicating to them. The way you touch actually says more to them then the words you speak. Make love to their face, belly, hands, and back with just your finger tips.

4. Open your eyes while you make love. If you are a woman, imagine letting your partner penetrate you with his (or her) eyes. Allow your partner to see into your soul. Or, if you are the one doing the penetrating, then use your gaze to enter your lover’s body through their eyes. Use your gaze to claim your lover.
5. Make love as if it’s your last chance to be intimate with your partner. Sadly, this is the case for all lovers eventually. Making love with this truth in mind can help you not take your lover for granted. Use your body, eyes, touch, and moans to communicate how much you love and cherish him or her.

Related: 5 Illusions That Can Ruin Your Love Life

• For more daily expert updates, follow genConnect on Twitter and Facebook.
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Relationship expert Dr. Marianne Brandon dishes on the illusions and facts that could make or break your sex life

1. Illusion: Out of lust means out of love.

Fact: You can love someone in a romantic way even if lust wanes.

Humans have a drive to feel lust, and we also have a drive to feel companionate love. Although these feeling states can co-occur at the beginning of a romantic relationship, they are ultimately separate sensations. That means you can feel lust without love, or as a relationship ages, you can feel love without lust. If you are like most people, you want to feel both at the same time. This means that you have to consciously create lusty passionate experiences if that natural passion starts to wane.

What to do? Your best bet is to keep doing new things sexually – newness brings back the sensations of passion. So bring your creative, adventurous side into the bedroom! Try new positions, make love in new places, and wear different things to bed. Stretch your sexual boundaries on occasion so that you don’t get stuck in bedroom ruts. And don’t be stingy – the more you give, the more you’ll get back for yourself in return.

2. Illusion: What you put in your grocery cart does not impact your sex life.

Fact: A healthy body is an important part of a satisfying sex life.

Eating healthy requires a conscious effort today. We are bombarded with “food” options that are filled with unhealthy fats, carbs, toxins, and empty calories. It is very possible that most of the stuff you put in your grocery cart really wouldn’t quality as food, in the purest sense of the word. And this can have numerous negative effects on your sexual health. For example, obesity correlates with low libido and erectile dysfunction, not to mention poor body image and decreased athletic capacity. Nutritional deficiencies cause low energy and a diminished ability for the body to respond sexually.

What to do? When you are making your food selections, remember that what is unhelpful for your body is also unhelpful for your sex life – and vice-versa. So look at those fruits and veggies in a new, exciting light! Juicy, succulent, ripe, foods support a juicy, succulent, ripe sex life!

3. Illusion: If sexual chemistry wanes, there is nothing you can do about it.

Fact: Passion can be enhanced by understanding our more primal sexual instincts.

It is true that most couples experience a decrease in sexual chemistry as a relationship ages. But there are things you can do to enhance and resurrect those intoxicating feelings of sexual longing and desire. In heterosexual relationships, highlighting the differences between male and female sexuality can intensity your experience between the sheets. Traditionally, masculine sexuality brings a dominant, confident, tenderness to the bedroom, while feminine sexuality is more emotional and vulnerable.

What to do? Gentlemen, offer your partner a strong but loving presence in the bedroom. Take charge and make her feel wanted and cherished. Ladies, gift your partner with the soft, open-hearted receptivity that women can innately bring to a sexual connection. Engaging these innate sexual responses can trigger an instinctual desire in your partner. So take sex out of your head and into the deep, and passionate realm of your ancient, mysterious sexual body.

4. Illusion: If your love is strong, you won’t be sexually attracted to other people.

Fact: Even people in loving, committed relationships are occasionally attracted to others.

Just because you are in love doesn’t mean you are immune to attractions to others. It is natural for men and women to fantasize about other people – even while making love with their partner! Most of the time these feelings don’t become a problem if people don’t act on them.

What to do? See if you can use these thoughts and feelings to fuel the passion in your intimate relationship. Can you channel the excitement they generate toward your partner? If you are thinking about other people too much, and it’s getting in the way of your feelings for your partner, then it would be a good idea to talk to someone about it – a friend, therapist, or your partner. It could mean that something is going on in your relationship that needs to be addressed.

Dr. Marianne Brandon

5. Illusion: The safer you feel in your relationship, the better your sex will be.

Fact: Some mystery and uncertainly in a romantic relationship can fuel desire.

It seems like safety and passion should go hand in hand – the more you have of one, the more you’ll enjoy of the other. But that’s actually not the case. For most people, a little safety allows enough trust for passion to flow. But too much safety can create an atmosphere that is boring and uninteresting – a place where passion can be hard to come by.

What to do? Try to keep a little mystery and even a little distance in your relationship. Giving yourself and your partner a little space can make for a bit of tension, but this tension can translate into passionate longing in a way that too much safety never can.

More from Dr. Marianne Brandon:

• 6 Reasons Why Men More Inclined to Pay for Sex, by Dr. Marianne Brandon
• 4 Lessons I’ve Learned as a Sex Therapist
• Dr. Marianne Brandon: Connecting Without Sex (SLIDESHOW)
• Sex and the First Year Postpartum, By Marianne Brandon, PhD

Want more genConnect?

• For more daily expert updates, follow genConnect on Twitter and Facebook.
• To stay on top of  Dr. Brandon’s latest posts: Sign Up for genConnect

Dr. Marianne Brandon on why the Halloween holiday is the perfect excuse to dress and role play…

It’s that time again – the trick-or-treaters swarming the streets, the leftover candy you take to the office so you don’t gain five pounds before the holidays even begin, and the piles of pumpkins at the grocery store.  Fun?  Yeah, maybe.

Well let’s turn that around.  It’s time to make Halloween all about adult playtime!

Ladies and gentlemen, it’s high time we took this holiday over as our own; and what better place to start than in the bedroom?  Think about it – Halloween offers you a fabulous excuse to dress up and role play.  Hasn’t there been some fantasy that you’ve wanted to act out but have been a little too self-conscious to do so? Enter Halloween – the ultimate excuse for sexual experimentation!  After all, it’s all about costumes, isn’t it?  Ladies, being a witch never looked so good!  All you need is your black high heels and a black thong.  Maybe find that dark lipstick that you threw in a drawer because it made you look so pale.  Tonight, pale is good!  And if you’ve got the time, add that gothic dark purple nail polish you haven’t worn in a while.  You see, a good witch may be hard to find – but surprisingly easy to create.  Need a prop?  Finally you have a use for that broom in your closet!  A broom pole can serve as a fabulous dance pole in a pinch.

Dr. Marianne Brandon

Gentlemen, in a way you have it easier.  Coming home in a goon costume will not excite her, and it would probably even work against you in the bedroom.  Your best bet is to stick with the tried and true standbys – they will rarely let you down.  Show up at the front door with some red roses, sushi, and some good chocolate – not the trick-or-treat variety.  Tell her you are prince charming and you’ve come to feed her dinner.  You see, no costume is required.  Corny?  Indeed.  But she’ll secretly love it.  Chivalry never goes out of style.  Take her into the bedroom – you can imagine the rest.

If these costumes just don’t suit your alter-ego, then make a quick trip to Toys-R-Us.  There are unlimited options for men or women in the land of make-believe.  Get yourself a doctor’s kit, a fireman’s hat, a ballerina’s frilly skirt.  Unleash your creativity and make this a Halloween to remember! You might decide that it’s your new favorite holiday!

For more from Marianne Brandon on genConnect:

• 5 Illusions That Can Ruin Your Sex Life
• 6 Reasons Why Men Are More Inclined to Pay for Sex
• 4 Lessons I’ve Learned as a Sex Therapist
• Orgasms: What You Didn’t Know
• Making Monogamy Easier

Want more genConnect?

• For more daily expert updates, follow genConnect on Twitter and Facebook.
• To stay on top of the Marianne Brandon’s latest posts: Sign Up for genConnect.

Dr. Marianne Brandon

• 4 Lessons I’ve Learned as a Sex Therapist
• Sex & The First Year Post-Partum
• How Our Culture Hurts Your Sex Life

Want more genConnect?

• For more daily expert updates, follow genConnect on Twitter and Facebook.
• To stay on top of  Dr. Marianne Brandon’s latest posts: Sign Up for genConnect.

While he’s glued to the tube; you’re bored, ignored or forced to be the only one to do the chores. Hence, the players on the field aren’t the only ones ready to tackle each other. But it doesn’t have to be this way.

Dr. Marianne Brandon, relationship expert and author of Monogamy: The Untold Story (Sex, Love, and Psychology), explains how women can take advantage of their partner’s football addiction to actually strengthen their relationship and use that time to spend on themselves :

• It is important for each partner to have their own lives and things they enjoy.  If one partner considers this an obstacle to the relationship and interferes in their lover’s personal life too much, it can backfire.  For example, a woman in this situation could lose respect for her man if he ultimately loses his identity by giving up the things he loves.
• Too much closeness in a romantic relationship can actually inhibit passion!  (Too much distance can do the same, so couples must find a balance).  Couples can easily become “too close,” and more like best friends than lovers.  See if you can use his football watching as an opportunity for some healthy distance in the relationship.
• Understanding his love of football may help you tolerate it. Men experience competitive sports as an outlet for their natural competitive drives.  It also gives men a sense of group belonging, which is important for all of us.  Plus, when his team wins it actually temporarily gives him a testosterone boost!

Dr. Marianne Brandon

Suggestions for talking about the issue:

• Discuss the issues when you are in a good mood. People tend to avoid talking at those times, but if you are already upset it will only add fuel to the fire.
• Offer to make changes for him as well. Make it a two-way conversation.  What does he need/want from you?
• Start with a genuine compliment. Starting a conversation off with a negative tone will make it a more challenging interaction for everyone.
• Keep the conversation focused to just this issue.  Try not to let it become an opportunity to air all your grievances.
• Everyone has irritating traits. Remember you have them too.  This awareness might help you discuss the issue with more compassion.

Solutions:

• This will be less of an issue if you have enough quality time together, so determine where in your lives you can create more pleasurable moments together.
• Is it possible for you to find enjoyment in football too? If not, then you might have fun teasing your man by: wearing lingerie while watching the game with him, reading erotica in the chair next to him, or telling him you are going to have to go in the other room to figure out something fun to do all by yourself.
• Use his football time as quality time for yourself: do yoga, read, or clean out your closet.  Set your own priorities for football season and make good use of your alone time!

For more by Dr. Marianne Brandon:

• Connect Without Sex (SLIDESHOW)
• Sex and the First Year Postpartum
• 4 Lessons I’ve Learned as a Sex Therapist

Reporting by Kevin Baumer

1.  Sexual problems are not one person’s issue.
So often people come to sex therapy believing that they, or their partner, have a sexual problem that needs to be fixed.  It’s extraordinarily easy to assume that low libido, or erectile dysfunction, or  dryness, is a problem specific to the person carrying the diagnosis.  Sometimes people think they are faulty and need to be fixed.  Other times people think their partner needs the help and they are fine.  These assumptions are false!  Sexual concerns are an amalgam of two people’s sexual connection – their unique struggles, challenges and concerns.  For example, a woman’s low libido may be the result of her own disconnection with her body, coupled with her partner’s lack of tenderness.  A man’s erectile dysfunction can be the result of his overwhelming anxiety coupled with his wife’s coldness and lack of empathy.  A woman’s problems lubricating may be the combination of hormonal shifts coupled with her husband’s resistance to adequate foreplay time.  So the take home message: If you or your partner have a sexual concern, it’s probably fueled by both of you.

2. We get more when we focus on giving rather than receiving.
This isn’t just talk, this is reality.  Giving forces us to open our hearts and bodies.  In that open place, we are able to feel and thus receive more.  Plus, when we give, our partner becomes more motivated to give to us.  It’s a beautiful feedback loop that you can initiate at any time.  Try thinking about why you love your partner before you make love to them.  Then focus on offering them this love through the way you touch them, the way you look at them, and the way you speak to them.  Gifting them with your love will result in your being gifted in return.

3. Sexual change is a guarantee at life transitions.
We like to believe that our sexual response should be consistent throughout our lifetime.  I guess we think that change is negative, and maintaining the status quo is the only desirable alternative.  But this is not realistic, and truthfully, not even desirable.  Our bodies change with life transitions – for women, that could be childbirth or menopause.  Men, on the other hand, don’t have such clear life transitions, but their bodies certainly change with age.  In addition, as we age, we mature emotionally.  This maturity translates into different sexual needs.  For example, at age 30 you may have enjoyed sex for the physical pleasure of it.  Now, sex may be more about the emotional connection it provides.  The end result is that how we like to be made love to changes over time.  The more open and accepting we are to these natural changes, the more ability we have of enhancing our sex life as we age.

4.  Successful intimate relationships require that everyone gives more than their share.
Making intimate relationships successful is one of the major challenges of life.  Long-term intimacy requires a tremendous effort, and most people who find their relationships satisfying admit that their relationship is a priority in their life.   I encourage my patients to expect to give more than they receive.  If both partners approach their romance from this place, they are much more apt to generate the juice required to keep their intimate relationship alive and well.  In the end, this approach seems to offer everyone the highest, and sweetest, quality of loving.

For more sex advice:

• Have Better Orgasms (Women’s Health)
• 6 Sex Tips from the Animal Kingdom (Women’s Health)

More By Dr. Marianne Brandon:

Dr. Marianne Brandon on Making Monogamy Easier

Orgasms: What You Didn’t Know, by Dr. Marianne Brandon

4 Sexy New Year’s Resolutions

Watch Dr. Marianne Brandon on January 10th and Catch Her Live Chat on January 20th. She’ll be discussing the Ashton Kutcher, Natalie Portman film “No Strings Attached”. Is Friends With Benefits better than a committed relationship? — Sign Up to Participate in the Conversation!

Ask any mother and she’ll tell you – sometimes sex is the last thing on her mind. It just makes sense, considering all the stresses and responsibilities involved in the world’s most important profession. And when lack of interest lasts for more than a few weeks, a couple’s intimate relationship can suffer. BUT here’s some good news. These are five simple, almost effortless things you can do to maintain your intimate connection with your beloved, making him feel loved and appreciated—even when making love is the last thing on your mind!

For more sex advice:

• Have Better Orgasms (Women’s Health)
• 6 Sex Tips from the Animal Kingdom (Women’s Health)

More From Dr. Marianne Brandon:

• Sex and the First Year Postpartum
• 4 Lessons I’ve Learned as a Sex Therapist
• The Sexier Side of Sex
• What NOT to Do in Bed

Want more genConnect?

• For more daily expert updates, follow genConnect on Twitter and Facebook.
• To stay on top of Dr. Brandon’s latest posts, as well as the latest contributions from other experts on the site: Sign Up for genConnect.

• “It’s so hard to feel sexy when you have children hanging on you all day.”
• “I cannot relax at night because I’m always listening for the baby.”
• “My body just isn’t the same as it used to be. And it’s not just the baby fat that I can’t get rid of – my orgasms are harder to reach since I gave birth.”

Most women do not want to sacrifice their sex lives to motherhood. Women long for intimate connection with their partners. They want to enjoy their bodies, and they want to feel pleasure. But so many women find that all of this becomes extraordinarily challenging as their families grow – especially the first year after giving birth. Her pelvis may need time to recover from the birthing experience. If she’s breastfeeding, she probably finds lubricating difficult. Lack of sleep has a huge impact on a woman’s desire for intimacy. And her body is probably uninterested in sex because at a basic, evolutionary level, it is too soon to risk having another baby. In addition, women sometimes feel uncertain as to how to combine the roles of mother and lover.

What’s a woman to do?

First, keep in mind that you will need time to adjust to the changes in your body and in your life. Changes in your sexual experience are inevitable as you age, but they don’t have to be harmful to your relationship. It’s normal to struggle during times of transition, but keeping an open mind and heart will help transport you through any difficulties that present themselves. And the good news is that education and a little planning can go a long way in merging mothering and sexuality.

Here are some steps to get you started:

Dr. Marianne Brandon

•    Explain to your partner what feels tricky about making love now – emotionally and physically. Choose a quiet time when you can have a relaxed, loving, uninterrupted conversation. If there is something your partner can do to support you, let him know this.

•    Learn to say “no” lovingly. Rather than roll your eyes or ignore your partner when he wants to make love and you don’t, respond to him respectfully and with an open heart. Instead of simply refusing him, suggest an alternative time for love-making that would work better for you.

•    Along with your partner, make a list of alternatives to penetrative intercourse. Identify activities that might be considered “sexual compromises” – that is, sex play that offers sexual pleasure and connection but that doesn’t necessarily involve penile-vaginal penetration. For example, sensual massage, mutual masturbation, or reading erotica might be gratifying for both of you.

•    Just because you aren’t being sexual doesn’t mean that you must forfeit your sensuality. Find the time for massages, hot baths, dancing, yoga, or anything that helps you connect with and enjoy your body. Staying tuned into your body will be a source of pleasure, but also help pave the way for a more active sex life when you feel ready.

•    Maintain physical contact with your partner. There are so many ways to connect intimately outside of intercourse. Hugs, kisses, holding, and caresses can go a long way in maintaining your bond with your man.  These behaviors are soothing and tender, and they reinforce your love.

•    Between 10 to 15 percent of women experience postpartum depression. If your mood is low, seek help. Depression will make all aspects of your life more challenging, including your sexual connection.

•    Remember there is no “perfect mother.” Don’t try and do it all. Breathe, and stay present in your body. Rather than focusing on the past or the future, do your best to stay focused on the moment. Focusing your thinking in this way will help you let go of stress and ultimately leave you more open and interested in making love again.

What was your postpartum year like?  Share your story – we’d love to know!

For more sex advice:

• Have Better Orgasms (Women’s Health)
• 6 Sex Tips from the Animal Kingdom (Women’s Health)

For more from Dr. Brandon:

4 Lessons I’ve Learned as a Sex Therapist

Easter Candy: 5 Creative (Adult) Things to Do With It

The Sexier Side of Sex

What NOT to Do in Bed

Dr. Marianna Brandon on Making Monogamy Easier

Want more genConnect?

• For more daily expert updates, follow genConnect on Twitter and Facebook.
• To stay on top of Dr. Marianne Brandon’s latest posts, as well as the latest contributions from other experts on the site: Sign Up for genConnect.

These are one expert’s views on the news. Share with us your thoughts in the comments box below.

The 76-year-old actress Shirley MacLaine – who is also the older sister of actor Warren Beatty – is an Oscar, three-time Emmy, and 10-time Golden Globe-winner who has appeared in more than 50 films. MacLaine sat down with Oprah Winfrey on the talk-show queen’s show Monday to talk about her 12th book—I’m Over All That – which includes details of all of her former co-stars and co-workers to whom she was attracted.

MacLaine also talked about her tremendous sense of self-worth, which has allowed her to brush off criticisms of her beliefs with ease.

“I never had the urge to please anybody,” she says. “I don’t know where that came from.”

The juiciest talk was over MacLaine’s sex life, and her “sex-capades.” She actually bedded three men in one day, but she now considers herself a “serial monogamist.” She also gave details as to how her marital arrangement with Steve Parker, her husband of 30 years, worked; the two had an infamous open relationship. The couple divorced in 1982.

When it comes to monogamy, genConnect relationship and sex expert Dr. Marianne Brandon reminds us that most mammals are not naturally monogamous, which means that “keeping monogamy satisfying is probably a bit more challenging than you expected it to be – and you are not alone.”

She points to research that shows most couples find sex with the same partner less pleasurable as time passes, but there are things couples can do to keep the home fires burning. This includes getting courageous and “embracing the sexier side of sex” by going outside of your usual sex comfort zone – i.e. wearing a garter belt and high heels to bed, or going out to dinner without underwear.

“The bottom line is that one way to counteract sexual monotony is by delving into these sexy, edgy territories,” Dr. Brandon says. “Of course, you must feel safe with your partner in order to do so.  Opening yourself at this level has the potential for huge payoffs if your relationship is solid and strong. Try it and see! Let us know how it feels to take your sexual relationship to a new, sexier level!”

For more from Dr. Marianne Brandon:

The Sexier Side of Sex

Dr. Marianne Brandon on Making Monogamy Easier

What NOT To Do In Bed

Yoga: The Cure for Better Sex?

4 Lessons I’ve Learned as A Sex Therapist

Want more genConnect?

• For more daily expert updates, follow genConnect on Twitter and Facebook
• To stay on top of Dr. Marianne Brandon’s latest posts, as well as the latest contributions from other experts on the site: Sign Up for genConnect.

These are one expert’s views on the news. Share with us your thoughts in the comments box below.

Research demonstrates that most couples find sex with the same partner less pleasurable as time passes.  BUT there truly are things you can do to counteract this process.  One example involves embracing the sexier aspects of sex.

What do I mean by “sexier”, exactly?  Well, I’m talking about sexual activities that are not a part of your normal routine, and that require you to extend yourself a bit beyond your comfort zone – to your sexual edge.  Thus, sexier means something different for everyone, since everyone has a different barometer for determining what is fun between the sheets.  Your sexy edge could be:

• Wearing a garter belt and high heels to bed
• Going out to dinner without panties
• Allowing your partner to tie your hands behind your back before making love
• Blindfolding your lover before going down on him or her
• Sexting a picture of yourself naked in front of a mirror to your lover
• Viewing porn together on the internet
• Masturbating for your partner
• Making love in front of a mirror and watching the delicious vision of your bodies together
• Masturbating while on the phone with your lover.

As you can see, the list is endless.  All you need is a bit of creativity…and a dose of courage.

It may surprise you to learn that courage is actually a necessary ingredient for edgy sex play.  That is because these aspects of sex tend to make us feel vulnerable and exposed.  As a result, many people avoid taking their sex lives in this direction because they are afraid of those feelings.  Fear is actually a massive motivator for much of our behavior.  And sadly, fear probably interferes with your sex life more than you realize!

Your fears can include anything from fears of losing control, to fears of looking unattractive, to anything in between.  Fear ultimately causes you to shut down emotionally and physically in an effort to stay safe.  That means that you eventually become more rigid and repetitive in your sexual style, and over time, you and your partner get bored.

Dr. Marianne Brandon

Unfortunately, this process naturally happens to most couples.  This boredom only enhances the natural challenge of keeping a monogamous sexual relationship interesting.  And it can lead to libido, erectile, and arousal difficulties.  If sex isn’t worth wanting, it’s very hard to get motivated to have it!

The bottom line is that one way to counteract sexual monotony is by delving into these sexy, edgy territories.  Of course, you must feel safe with your partner in order to do so.  Opening yourself at this level has the potential for huge payoffs if your relationship is solid and strong.  Try it and see!  Let us know how it feels to take your sexual relationship to a new, sexier level!

For more on sex and beauty:

• Have Better Orgasms (Women’s Health)
• 6 Sex Tips from the Animal Kingdom (Women’s Health)
• How Old Do You Look? (Women’s Health)

More from Dr. Marianne Brandon:

• What NOT To Do In Bed
• Yoga: The Cure for Better Sex?
• 4 Lessons I’ve Learned as A Sex Therapist

Want more genConnect?

• For more daily expert updates, follow genConnect on Twitter and Facebook
• To directly connect with any of our experts, sign up for genConnect.com

Huckabee said that it’s “troubling” to see people like the Academy Award-winning “Black Swan” star, boasting, ‘Hey look, you know, we’re having children, we’re not married, but we’re having these children, and they’re doing just fine.’”

Our genConnect relationship expert and sex therapist Dr. Marianne Brandon says Huckabee isn’t necessarily off the mark, but it’s wrong to assume a wedding ring will solve the problem.

“Huckabee makes a great point – not all single mothers are as able as Ms. Portman to offer adequate recourses to their offspring. But Huckabee also oversimplifies the issue. His words endorse an illusion that could ultimately feed the rate of out-of wedlock births in this country,” Brandon says. “Where is Huckabee going wrong?  …While being married certainly increases the odds that a child will have the necessary emotional and financial resources for life, it in no way guarantees it.”

During Salem Radio’s The Michael Medved Show earlier this week, Huckabee said that more often than not, single moms who had children out of wedlock do not have the luxuries that a Hollywood actress’ paycheck can afford, and that it’s a different reality altogether.

Listen to genConnect Relationship Experts on the Real Ramifications of ‘No Strings Attached’ Event (Video)

“I think it gives a distorted image that yes, not everybody hires nannies, and caretakers, and nurses. Most single moms are very poor, uneducated, can’t get a job, and if it weren’t for government assistance, their kids would be starving to death and never have health care,” the former Arkansas governor added. “And that’s the story that we’re not seeing, and it’s unfortunate that we glorify and glamorize the idea of out of wedlock children.”

After she won the Oscar for “best actress” Sunday night, during her acceptance speech, Portman thanked fiancé and film choreographer Benjamin Millepied, who “has now given me my most important role of my life.” Medved said the best thing Millepied could have given her was a wedding ring.

Brandon thinks this incident represents yet another example of “what should be” versus“what is,” and stresses that while we glorify marriage and parenting, the reality is, both are “almost always” more difficult than anticipated.

“What should be is that all children are born into situations where they have more than adequate resources to grow up emotionally and physically healthy. Sadly, the reality is very different,” she says. “However, if young men and women were made aware of the fierce challenges that parenting presents – many  would say they are life’s ultimate challenges – they may be better able to make decisions that serve both them and their unborn children.

“So rather than criticize Natalie Portman, let’s focus on a deeper reality.  Might it be a more effective strategy to acknowledge the very real challenges inherent in loving a child unconditionally, no matter what their needs are, how significantly they disrupt your life?  Giving to another human being at ones  own expense is the ultimate act of maturity.  Unprepared parents find themselves feeling unanticipated anger and resentment.  Regardless of whether or not a mother or father has a mate, these emotional and financial challenges can be very real and overwhelming.”

Brandon notes that in the past, mothers had the luxury of having many family members nearby to help out. But our social structure has changed.

“So as a culture, let’s join together and break the illusion that because parenting is absolutely natural, it’s also easy.  And marriage doesn’t automatically offer children the tremendous love and support required for them to be emotionally and physically healthy in the world today,” she continues. “Rather than marriage, let’s promote maturity. Part of being mature is recognizing our own limitations. Let’s stop oversimplifying reality.”

Listen to Huckabee’s radio remarks below:

For more from Dr. Brandon:

What NOT to Do in Bed

Make This Valentine’s Day One for the Books

Yoga: The Cure for Better Sex?

For other stories:

Oscar Stars Pay Tribute to Moms

Win a Free Book on Monogamy

Read What You Need to Know Before You Sleep With a Friend

Vote on our “No Strings Attached Poll”: Is Sex Better With a Friend or With a Committed Partner?

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• To directly connect with any of our experts, sign up for genConnect.com

These are one expert’s views on the news. Share with us your thoughts in the comments box below.

Dr. Marianne Brandon

What are you like to make love to? If you were a different person, would you want to make love to yourself? If you answer that question honestly, you can probably identify ways you can improve your abilities as an intimate partner. After all, making love is a learned skill. While having sex is innate, it takes practice and effort to learn to make love well. Like any creative effort – such as painting or dance – most of us aren’t born with the ability to do it well. We have to put forth effort, and practice, to hone our skills. And guess what? Sex is the exact same way!

So, in my effort to assist my readers in reaching new sexual heights, I’m starting a regular column about what NOT to do in bed. Take my words seriously, and you’ll be on your way to a more satisfying sex life in no time!! So today we’ll do one point for the ladies, and one for the gentlemen. That’s because in long-term relationships, couples often get into patterns, or sexual ruts. And in my private practice, I commonly hear men making the same mistakes with their women, and women making similar mistakes with their men.

So ladies, this one’s for you.

Don’t come to bed expecting your partner to do all the prep work. That means, take some time to get yourself partly in the mood first. Oftentimes we expect our man to do all the work for us. This places too much pressure on him, and creates tension for both of you. You become too focused on what he’s doing rather than feeling pleasure, and he feels pressure to “get it right”. Instead, take matters into your own hands and start your own fires burning. Take a hot bath, slowly massage lotion into your body, dance a slow song on your own, or read some erotica. You will find it so much easier to be responsive to your partner when you take a few moments to wake up your sexual energy first!!!

And gentlemen, now it’s your turn.

Your advice today is this –when making love, don’t reach too quickly for your partner’s pelvis. Most women need some significant foreplay time before they are ready to be touched in more directly sexual ways. So, cuddle her, kiss her cheeks, eyes, and forehead, run your hands through her hair, rub her shoulders, or massage her feet. Touching her sensually in these non-sexual areas will help your woman soften, relax, and open to your touch. That way, when you do reach for her pelvis, she’ll be much more receptive.

Note: There is a poll embedded within this post, please visit the site to participate in this post's poll.

After you try out today’s advice, share your experiences with us! Let us know how this works for you. Remember, sex is an art form, and practice makes perfect!

For more sex advice:

• Have Better Orgasms (Women’s Health)
• 6 Sex Tips from the Animal Kingdom (Women’s Health)

World-Class Experts Offer Their Best Sex Tips

4 Lessons I’ve Learned as a Sex Therapist

Yoga: The Cure for Better Sex?

5 Ways to Make This Valentine’s Day Perfect

For daily expert updates, follow us on Twitter and Facebook.

1. Let yourself experience a new approach to sex.  Identify a woman you find particularly sensual.  When you make love, pretend you are that woman. Make love the way you imagine she would – move the way she would move, touch your partner the way she would touch, and say the things she would say.  There’s no need to tell your lover you are experimenting, just play with this different perspective and see where it takes you.  Allow her to introduce you to sides of yourself you didn’t know existed!

2. Eat dinner with your fingers.  Eating can be such a sensual experience.  Make the most of your Valentine’s Day meal by dining in the privacy of your own home, without cutlery.  But forget the delicate finger foods – enjoy pasta, or sushi, or ribs……..and be sure to lick your fingers!  Turning your evening meal into foreplay is easier than you think!

3. Role play a new romantic situation.  For example, how would you make love differently if you were conceiving a baby?  Or losing your virginity?  Making love can become an extraordinary experience when you imagine unusual circumstances.  How would your night be different in these situations?  How would it change the way you talked to each other, touched each other, and looked at each other?  Plan your evening accordingly and enjoy the sensations!

4. Would you enjoy making love to yourself? Imagine who you are as a sex partner.  Most people feel there is a lot of room for improvement when they visualize who they are in bed.  It is oh so easy to get stuck in sexual routines and become a less involved, responsive partner.  Everyone can do something to become a better lover.  Identify one or two things to do differently, and gift your partner with a new you on Valentine’s Day.

5. Turn back time.  Who were you decades ago?  Most people change as they age – including in the bedroom.  Show your partner who you were sexually in the years before you met.  Were you more inhibited?  Or more sexually free?  Let your partner see this side of you that he’s never  had the opportunity to know.  Re-experience the sexuality of your past.

This Valentine’s Day, try out one of these ideas, or let them inspire you to create one of your own.  With a little planning and creativity this week, you can gift yourself and your lover with a memorable, exciting holiday that would make even St. Valentine proud!

For more Valentine’s Day tips from life’s best experts, click here.

ENTER NOW! genConnect registered members are automatically entered to win! Click here to Sign up. Enjoy breathtaking views during your 3 nights and 4 days in amazing Aspen, CO– plus a two-hour personal consultation with Dr. Alan Altman, OR Unwind and recharge at La Costa Resort and Spa in Carlsbad, CA. For daily expert updates, follow us on Twitter and Facebook.

“A mutually loving, respectful relationship provides the groundwork for passionate intimate connection.  So taking time to open your heart before making love can enable sex to enter deeper, more meaningful realms.  Purposefully feel your love for your partner before even getting into bed, and look into your partners eyes while making love.”

“Remember that when we gift others sexually, we receive in the end.  That’s because when we gift others it releases pleasure chemicals in our own brains.   Plus, when we please our partner, it makes them want to please us more in return.  In this way, you become part of a loving, giving feedback loop.”

“Always bring something new and fresh to your relationship, as well as your sex life.  Newness releases pleasure chemicals in your brain, and helps to counteract staleness and habituation.  Being engaged and interested in the world will translate into increased engagement  in your sexual connection.  Trying new things in the bedroom will do the same – like making love on the kitchen table, or bring ice cubes or food into your bed.”

For more daily doses of love from life’s best experts, click here.

For more Valentine’s Day guidance, join Rachel Greenwald in a live chat Feb 10, 9:30pm EST, 6:30pm PST. Click here for details. Sign up to be automatically invited to the party.

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Dr. Marianne Brandon

I’m using yoga and sex in the same sentence. Are you surprised? What might the age-old Eastern tradition of yoga have to do with your sex life? Actually, quite a bit. Because researchers are finding that those men and women who do yoga regularly not only have clear physical benefits, they also enjoy sexual benefits! And it’s not just because of those tight yoga pants!

Yes it’s true, yoga is great for your sex life. Recent research published in the Journal of Sexual Medicine confirms it. One study surveyed 40 women ages 22-55 before and after they participated in a 12-week yoga class. Most of these women were married, had no history of yoga practice, and were not exercising regularly at the start of their yoga program. Overall, these women reported an almost 20% improvement in overall sexual function after only 3 months of yoga! The improvements were noted in multiple areas: desire, arousal, lubrication, orgasm, satisfaction, and pain. Further, the improvements in the women over age 45 were more substantial than those noted in the younger ages.

And the same goes for men. Sixty-five males ages 24 to 60 who participated in a 12-week yoga class also enjoyed significant sexual benefits from their yoga experience. Specifically, men reported improvements in desire, intercourse satisfaction, performance, confidence, partner synchronization, erection, ejaculatory control, and orgasm. The researchers admitted they weren’t sure why yoga was so helpful for sexual function, but they speculated that it could be related to a variety of benefits, including improved muscle tone, decreased depression and anxiety, increased sense of well-being, decreased hypertension and improved genital awareness and blood flow.

Other recent research demonstrated that yoga may be beneficial for women struggling with sexual dysfunctions and concerns. So, it’s not just healthy folks who enjoy the sexual perks of yoga. Women with sexual concerns may report improved sexual satisfaction- perhaps as a result of a decrease in negative thoughts while making love, or because they are more physically relaxed and tuned into their bodies.

The bottom line: Yoga can be great for your sex life. It promotes the ability to tune into your body and become less distracted by negative thoughts or the inane ramblings that our minds generate often at inopportune moments. It makes you feel healthier and more fit. It takes away stiffness so that you feel more flexible and limber when making love. And it’s a perfect exercise to do together. So why not? Now that the days are shorter and we are spending less time out of doors, do something great for yourself and try out some yoga classes. Be sure to experiment with different instructors and types of classes, because not all yoga is the same. Plus, every instructor works his or her class a little differently. Do your own personal sexual research, and let us know how it goes!

I am also co-authoring a book on infidelity with Dr. Alan Altman, a psychologist and sex therapist whom many of you have heard and read on genConnect. Dr. Altman is participating in a live chat today on genConnect. Hot Topics With Dr. Alan Altman is Thursday, Jan 27 at 3:30 pm EST, 12:30 pm PST. We recently were videoing on genConnect about “friends with benefits” and the newly released movie, “No Strings Attached” starring Natalie Portman and Ashton Kutcher. Click here to watch.

More from Dr. Brandon:

4 Lessons I’ve Learned as a Sex Therapist

How Our Culture Hurts Your Sex Life

“No Strings Attached” Sex Survey

More on the benefits of wellness:

The Cardio Myth, by Fred DeVito

Confess! Do you stretch? (POLL)

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The following article was adapted from our “No Strings Attached” Expert Event -  a conversation with Dr. Marianne Brandon, certified sexual therapist and author of Monogamy: The Untold Story, and Dr. Alan Altman, President of the International Society for the Study of Women’s Sexual Health. Click here to watch the video.

Just as we saw the evolution of bigger beaks in Galápagos finches so they could break seeds for eating, we’re seeing an evolution in how we engage in relationships. Monogamy, unfortunately, isn’t natural for primates and mammals. When Natalie Portman’s character in the upcoming movie, “No Strings Attached,” said, “I think monogamy goes against basic biology,” she was, unfortunately, correct.

We want to believe that monogamy is natural. We want to believe that passion easily lasts a lifetime. The truth is, we’re mammals. Only 3% of mammals are naturally monogamous. For us humans, that means some of us are going to be more prone than others toward monogamy — based on our DNA, our personality, and a variety of different factors. We’re just now researching what it really means for people, and how to tell who’s more likely to stay with one partner. About half of marriages end in divorce. Approximately 50% of people are having affairs, 20% of marriages are sexless.

A growing number of couples are shifting away from monogamy and opting for a Friends With Benefits arrangement -  a casual hookup with a friend or acquaintance. This trend didn’t happen overnight. Several cultural and biological developments that occurred over time have impacted our sex lives:

1. We’re living longer. When most people died in their 40s or 50s – and your marriage wasn’t so good, you figured it was not going to be  much longer anyway. As opposed to, my God, now I’m going to live to 80, 90, 100! Is this what it’s going to be for the rest of my life?
2. Historically, monogamy was encouraged for political reasons and religious reasons. It really helped organize our culture. It helped us create families and structures that were great for every member of the family. It really helped us progress. We have grown so much from that very basic standpoint of connecting that way.
3. We no longer need the support of a partner. It used to be that you had to be married to have kids. It used to be, you had to be married to have security. Financial security, home security, and family security. Now that’s just not necessary anymore. You can have babies without being married. You can have a family without being married. A man can have a baby without a wife or girlfriend. Both partners in a relationship can work, so security-wise, you’re not depending on one or the other for finances. So culturally, things have changed quite a bit.
4. Dating back from the caveman days, women needed men for protection. She needed him to hunt for food for her babies, and he needed her to get his genes into the next generation. So everybody made out okay, and I think that had something to do with how that came together.
5. Technology provides people with so many more opportunities to meet people. We can connect so easily with others through cell phones and Internet in ways that have never before existed. So it has an astronomical effect on people’s sex lives.
6. The Internet has a lot of information out there, and not all accurate or close to reality. People form different expectations about marriages and relationships. People used to start feeling concerned about the excitement of their sex lives after 20 years of marriage, we’re now starting to see that concern arise just after 2 or 3 years of marriage. People have expectations that sex is going to be off-the-wall, with yelling and screaming. That’s also what we see in the movies, and it really isn’t that way.

Friends With Benefits is an evolution in our sexual culture. The benefit of this agreement is that it’s a very honest approach to sexual relationships. People know where they stand, and it’s very clear.  The first con is that it encourages people to disconnect their hearts from their bodies. It encourages sex rather than making love. If people do that repeatedly, they never will learn how to make love with their hearts, or how to experience the art of making love. They’ll just learn how to fool around.

FWB starts out being really a great idea, but sooner or later, you have hormones in your brain that start to flow. Oxytocin (the bonding hormone) is one of the most important ones. It’s what a mother puts out when she’s breastfeeding with a baby. Sooner or later, emotions develop. You remember the movie “When Harry Met Sally.” He was arguing, you can’t have sex without falling in love with somebody.

Can you guess the ending in “No Strings Attached”?

Have a Question for Our Doctors? Ask  Dr. Marianne Brandon Your Questions on

Dr. Marianne Brandon

Thursday, January 20th at 3:30 pm EST/ 12:30 pm PST in a Live Chat. You need to be a registered genConnect member to be invited to the party. The event takes place here.

Dr. Marianne Brandon

You’ve probably never even thought about it.  What impact does this culture have on your sex life?

It may surprise you to learn that the answer is quite a bit.  Our culture provides much of the context for the way we understand the world – such as how we perceive and interpret our experiences, and the expectations we hold for ourselves and others.  Our culture influences whether we think insects are good eatin’, if we think going topless in public is appropriate, and whether or not sexual monogamy is reasonable.

Culture is, of course, not the only influence on these variables, but it is nonetheless a significant one.

As a result, you might find it interesting to determine exactly how Western culture impacts who you are as a sexual being. The problem is that Western culture endorses myths about human sexuality which many men and women buy hook, line and sinker.  People then become critical of themselves and their lovers when they don’t live up to our cultural folklore.  Today we will examine one such myth: Young women are the more sexual than older women.

We are brainwashed with advertising indicating that it’s the women in their late teens and early twenties who are the true sexual dynamos.  But if you stop and think about it, nothing could be further than the truth.   The fact is that we have confused fertility with sexual passion and prowess.  That’s because, from an evolutionary perspective, men are oriented to be attracted to fertile women so they could enhance the chances of a successful pregnancy and thus perpetuate our species.

However, ladies and gentlemen think for a moment about the skills required to be a great lover.  We have to know our body and know what turns us on.  We need a general understanding and comfort level with the body of our partner.  We must have confidence to allow ourselves to let go and travel deep into the mysterious sexual world we co-create with our lover.  We must allow ourselves to relax and receive pleasure, and be willing to do what it takes to gift our partner with sexual bliss.

I could go on, but you get the point.  These are skills that take time to develop.   The truth of the matter is that most of us are not innately born to be great lovers.  Making love is an art form, and as with any art, it requires skill that we hone with time and effort.  Thus, it is the women with more years of experience with their own bodies, and the bodies of others, who truly have the best chance at being an amazing bed partner.

So, the bottom line?  Ladies, don’t be intimated by cultural fairy tales about age and sexuality.  If you are young, enjoy the innate attraction you evoke in men because of your fertility.  If you are older, wear your sexual life experience like a badge of honor.  Either way, there is much to enjoy between the sheets!

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Special genConnect “No Strings Attached” Event:

At a time when monogamy is the it subject in Hollywood movies, genConnect experts Dr. Marianne Brandon and Dr. Alan Altman tackle the hot topic and whether we were born to be with just one partner.

On January 10, 2011 you are invited to watch on genConnect.com Dr. Marianne Brandon and Dr. Alan Altman discuss the movie and the real-life benefits and complications involved in a  Friends With Benefits relationship. For more details, contact events@genConnect.com. Sign up here and be sent an email reminder and link to catch the video, follow-up live chat and free prizes.

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More from Dr. Brandon:

4 Lessons I’ve Learned as a Sex Therapist

Orgasms: What You Didn’t Know, by Dr. Marianne Brandon

Making Monogamy Easier

The Friends With Benefits trend has also caught Hollywood’s attention with movies set to hit theaters this year addressing this kind of fling. On January 21st, we have “No Strings Attached,” where “Emma” (Natalie Portman) has a strictly physical relationship with her best guy friend Adam (Ashton Kutcher). Six months later, another movie comes out with two pals rolling around under the covers — this one actually dubbed “Friends With Benefits.”

Since FWB is the hottest topic in the bedroom and big screen these days,it’s important we address the real benefits of Friends With Benefits – and the disadvantages that come with this kind of behavior.

Advantages of Friends With Benefits:

1. Honesty: Couples attempt to be honest about the limits of their liaison.
2. Expectations: Both parties attempt to hold realistic expectations for the future of their relationship.
3. Experience: Some men and women feel they benefit from having access to more sexual partners.

Disadvantages of Friends With Benefits:

1. Selling Yourself Short: FWB involves sex, not making love.  Therefore, men and women do not learn the true creative and artistic act that intercourse can become when shared between loving partners.
2. Heart-Body Disconnect: FWB requires people to disconnect their hearts from sex.  This actually counters Mother Nature’s agenda of using intercourse as one medium for falling in love.
3. Curtailed Condom Use: Some women are actually less likely to demand condom use when they are not involved in a romantic relationship.  In addition, hook-ups often involved alcohol use, which also makes people more impulsive and less apt to use condoms.

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So those are some pros and cons of FWB. For more on this watch the genConnect “No Strings Attached” Event genConnect experts Dr. Marianne Brandon and Dr. Alan Altman tackle casual hooking up and whether we were born to be monogamous. For more details, contact events@genConnect.com. Sign up here and be sent an email reminder and link to catch the video, follow-up live chat and free prizes. Festivities kick off January 10th.
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We’d like to know what you think.  Give us your thoughts about this important and timely phenomenon.  Also click here to vote on our FWB poll.

Note: There is a poll embedded within this post, please visit the site to participate in this post's poll.

Did I get your attention?  Let’s make 2011 a year to remember!

Whether you are coupled or single, here are a few resolutions to get your “Year of Pleasure” started.

First of all, do some redecorating. Look around your bedroom – does this room make you feel sensual and sexy?  If not, it’s time to spruce things up.  Our surroundings can have a significant impact on how we feel.  Think about it – we spend time in nature or go to a house of worship to feel connected to something greater than ourselves.  In contrast, when we want to let loose and have fun, we go to a bar.  In this way, we use the energy around us to help create a different mindset.  So make use of your bedroom in this same way.  Chose fabrics, incense, artwork, mirrors, music, candles, and pillows to create an effect that helps bring out your sexual animal for the new year!

Second, have a panty raid! Go through your panty drawer, and in the spirit of the new year, use an “out with the old, in with the new” mentality.  Buy yourself a few new sexier styles, or start wearing regularly the ones you save for special occasions.  Either way, treating yourself to sexier underclothes will help you tap your sexy side.

Third, food can be a very sensual part of your life. This year, when you grocery shop, keep this in mind.  Forget the corn chips and go for the juicy, creamy, and succulent stuff.  Ripe peaches, tart olives, and ice cream might do it for you.  Finger foods can be very sensual, as can food that is grown from the earth rather than processed.  Take your time when eating to feel the textures and flavors of the food in your mouth.  Savoring food can be great practice for savoring sex!

Finally, I often encourage my patients to write their own fantasy. Give your creative, sensual brain a chance to construct a love scene just for you.  To begin, think about what very specific gesture might feel good right now.  Perhaps your lover approaches you from behind and softly kisses your neck, or you receive a dozen roses from a secret admirer, or a stranger looks you intently in the eye on the subway.  Start here, and then imagine your next move, and go from there.  Soon you’ll have a page that can make you squirm with delight – or share your excitement by gifting it to your lover.

So I hope I convinced you that New Year’s resolutions are a fabulous idea.  If you do make a New Year’s resolution, let us know.  Sharing your resolution with others may very well help you keep it.  Here’s to making 2011 a very happy, sensual year!

More By Dr. Marianne Brandon:

Dr. Marianne Brandon on Making Monogamy Easier

Orgasms: What You Didn’t Know, by Dr. Marianne Brandon

Another recent study in the same journal surveyed 1000 Czech women for evidence of vaginal orgasms which they defined as orgasms triggered by penile-vaginal intercourse only.  These researchers found that some women in their sample did perceive a difference between clitoral and vaginal orgasms.  And not only that, they found some interesting variables that seemed to correlate with what women perceived as vaginal orgasms.  For example, consistency of vaginal orgasm was associated with sexual education in childhood suggesting that the vagina (as opposed to the clitoris) was important for inducing orgasm.  In addition, other variables included a woman’s self-perceived ability to focus on pleasurable sensations in her vagina, greater duration of penile-vaginal intercourse (in this study, the mean duration was about 13 minutes), and a personal preference for a longer than average length penis.

Dr. Sara Nasserzadeh Answers: Does Size Matter? (VIDEO)

The bottom line?  Ladies, your man was right when he determined that your body is quite complicated!

So what does all this orgasm mumbo jumbo mean to you?  Well, most sex therapists will say that the more you worry about having an orgasm, the harder they are to come by (no pun intended).  So rather than focus on the kind of orgasms you want, the most enjoyable intercourse happens when you simply let go of trying to orgasm altogether.  Allowing yourself to be immersed in pleasure is the most effective way to sexual satisfaction, orgasm or not. Remember that orgasm difficulties are one of the more common female sexual concerns – so if you have them, you aren’t alone.  Women worry about not having them during intercourse, having them only with a vibrator but not with manual or oral stimulation, not having them at all, having them with one partner but not another, or lying about having them.  Oy vey.

My advice to you is to let all these anxieties wash away.  They do nothing to serve you and they probably keep you from enjoying yourself as fully as possible.  The next time you make love, gift yourself with a gentle attitude of acceptance, and let yourself enjoy the pleasure of it, regardless of the form it takes in your body.

Dr. Marianne Brandon on Making Monogamy Easier

More on genConnect:

Rachel Sussman, LCSW: 6 Common Sex Problems Solved

Dr. Pat Allen: Do You Want to Get Laid or Paid? (VIDEO)

What Would You Do If You Saw Your Friend’s Mate Cheating? (POLL)

Monogamy is quite the controversial topic these days. On one hand, we adore the ideal of a sexually satisfying monogamous marriage.

Who doesn’t want passionate love to last a lifetime?

On the other hand, men and women are finding this goal increasingly difficult to realize. Politicians and sports figures offer examples of the challenges of monogamy on an almost daily basis. And the statistics speak for themselves – about half of marriages end in divorce, and some experts suggest that over 50 percent of men and women have had an extramarital affair. Of those marriages that remain intact, is it estimated that a full 20 percent are sexless, meaning that they have sex less than six times a year. These are harsh numbers, and they give us some indication of the amount of emotional pain and turmoil that intimate relationships bring to people’s lives. And they beg the question – are we really meant for monogamy? Having just celebrated my 17^th wedding anniversary, I find this question fascinating.

Well, I’ve got good news and bad news. The bad news is that anthropologists and zoologists have been telling us for decades that less than 3 percent of mammals are naturally monogamous (click here for 6 other sex tips we can take from animals by the experts at Women’s Health). Wow. Nonetheless, there is some variability in the tendency toward monogamy, in that some men and women have a harder time being faithful than others. What makes monogamy easier for some people?

This is a great question that scientists are working hard to figure out. And the answer is quite complex. First of all, there is probably a genetic component to monogamy. That is, some people are just genetically wired to find monogamous intimacy more pleasing, and thus easier to achieve. Of course, there are physiological factors that play a role as well. For example, people with higher testosterone levels may have a harder time remaining monogamous. Then there are personality variables –traits like impulsivity can negatively impact a person’s attempts at fidelity, while conscientiousness can positively impact this goal. Of course, without opportunity, a person cannot stray. Modern technology, such as the internet and cell phones, have changed the face of monogamy in just the last few decades by providing opportunities for affairs unlike anything humans have experienced in history.

So what’s the good news? In spite of all this, you can learn to highlight your sexual instincts to work for you in a monogamous relationship, rather than against you. That is, highlighting your innate masculine qualities if you are a man, and feminine traits if you are a woman, will make monogamy feel more compelling for both of you. That’s because nature wants us to like sex so that we’ll procreate. As a result, she has designed us with innate traits that heighten our sexual desire while enticing the opposite sex at the same time.  So, when a woman allows herself to tap into her innate femininity, thereby being open, vulnerable, and responsive to her man, everyone benefits. She enables herself to reach deeper levels of sexual fulfillment, while her man is fed by her feminine essence. Likewise, when a man offers his tender yet assertive masculine presence to his partner, she feels safe and able to let go into him, while he enjoys the thrill of a trusting, loving, responsive partner. Note: tapping your sexual instincts have nothing to do with your appearance – instead, it’s all about letting your deeper self shine through. The bottom line: when we allow ourselves to connect with our innate sexual instincts, intimacy becomes more exciting, and monogamy becomes easier to achieve.

Try it.

Ladies, the next time you make love, privately coach yourself with words like “open”, “surrender” or whatever phrase helps you let go into your man. Gentlemen, make your partner feels cherished and safe by the way you lovingly gaze at her, tenderly but confidently touch her, or guide her with your words.

Tell us if you’d like more help in making your instincts work for you, and we’ll provide you with guidance and support through articles, discussion groups and Q&As.

For more sex advice:

• Have Better Orgasms (Women’s Health)
• 6 Sex Tips from the Animal Kingdom (Women’s Health)