Laurie Puhn

In anticipation of the live chat I’m hosting on genConnect.com July 11, 2011 at 9:30 pm EST/ 6:30 pm PST – click here for details – I was thinking deep about love, life and everything in between. Whether you’re in a perfectly loving phase or a relationship rut, here are a handful of quick tips to spark a daily connection between you and your mate. Use these 5 new ways to say “I love you” in 30 seconds or less.

30-Second Love Tips

1. Use “Follow Up” Bonds
When your mate tells you about something that’s going to happen that day, whether it’s a meeting, a doctor’s appointment, or taking your son or daughter to a soccer game, always make it a top priority to ask your mate, “How did it go?” By following up you are saying, you matter to me and I love you.

2. Bestow “Focused” Talk
If you and your mate are away from each other during the day and you are busy but have access to e-mail or text messaging, take 30 seconds to send a romantic note saying, “Just thinking about you,” “How’s your day going?” or “Looking forward to seeing you tonight.”

3. Offer “Pitch-in” Connectors
Volunteering to help your mate with tasks (like those in the kitchen or child care) even when you are busy, tired or overwhelmed yourself is another powerful way to say, “I love you. You are special to me and I care about you.”

4. Display “Face-to-Face” Expressions
As love becomes a permanent fixture in our life, we often take it for granted. Don’t ignore your mate. Routinely say hello and goodbye to each other and engage in one sentence face-to-face expressions of love such as “I love our life together,” “You’re a great mother/father,” or “Your were so kind to do that for me.”

5. Exhibit “Touch and Go” Contact
When you and your mate arrive home, how much time passes before you touch each other or offer a quick hug or kiss? Today, and every day, when you are together, whether you are watching TV, emptying the dishwasher or reading, take 30 seconds to reach out to each other. This quick touch says, “I see you. I hear you. I love you.”

If these tips seem simple, it’s because they are. But as time goes by, we often stop saying and doing the little things that mean so much. It’s time be inspired to be a better mate.

For more help, tips, tricks and a good excuse to gossip about your love life, join me Monday, July 11, 2011, 9:30 pm EST/ 6:30 pm PST on genConnect.com.

Get your questions ready! SIGN UP for genConnect.com to be automatically invited to the party. Chat takes place here.

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Breastfeeding babies for at least 4 months creates better-behaved kids who are less hyperactive; expert Laurie Puhn on how breast and bottle can go hand-in-hand.

When it comes to deciding between bottle and breastfeeding for baby, a new study gives a compelling argument for breastfeeding: babies who are breastfed for at least four months are less likely to develop major behavior problems in childhood, as well as less likely to lie, steal, be anxious, or hyperactive.

For new moms leaning toward one feeding option, genConnect relationship expert Laurie Puhn has great insight on how to successfully use both formula and breastfeeding for their little one.

The new study by British scientists found that 16 percent of formula-fed children had developed behavior problems by age five, as compared to 6 percent of children who had been breastfed. Scientists aren’t exactly sure for the exact reason – it could be the close interaction with mom, the fatty acids from breast milk that help in brain development, or another reason.

“The findings suggest that, at least in term children, longer duration of breast feeding is associated with fewer parent-rated behavioral problems in children aged 5 years,” concludes the study, published in the Archives of Disease in Childhood.

“Our results provide even more evidence for the benefits of breastfeeding,” says Maria Quigley of the National Perinatal Epidemiology Unit at Oxford University, who helped lead the work. “Mothers who want to breastfeed should be given all the support they need. Many women struggle to breastfeed for as long as they might otherwise like, and many don’t receive the support that might make a difference.”

Laurie Puhn

Laurie Puhn, author of “Fight Less, Love More: 5-Minute Conversations to Change Your Relationship without Blowing Up or Giving In,” recently gave birth to her second child and recounts her experiences giving baby Emma both breast and bottle from Day 1, for both baby and mom’s benefits—but her decision still raised controversy.

“The culture of breastfeeding was, and is, so overwhelming that my brain was locked on all-or-nothing thinking, i.e. exclusive breastfeeding or formula. And so, I stopped nursing and pumped for a couple months until I was fed up with it,” Puhn recounts of her experience with her first child. “Not this time. Oh no. I would not suffer insecurity this way the second time around.”

She adds: “The combo approach I’ve taken to breastfeeding allows me the time and convenience to do what works in any given moment. This freedom of choice, day to day, hour to hour, gives me the control that I need to be happy and to be there for my son and husband.”

Read more about Laurie’s experiences here

For more from Laurie Puhn:

• Top 5 Rude Comments Pregnant Women Hear

• Tine Fey on Being a ‘Crazy’ Working Mom

• Are You a Bossy Mom?

• 5 Ways to Avoid a Couples Fight

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• For more daily expert updates, follow genConnect on Twitter and Facebook
• To stay on top of genConnect Laurie Puhn’s latest posts, as well as the latest contributions from other experts on the site: Sign Up for genConnect.

These are one expert’s views on the news. Share with us your thoughts in the comments box below.

Prince William and Catherine Middleton's Engagement Photo

While many are wondering who’s going to be on the royal wedding guest list or what Kate Middleton’s wedding dress is going to look like this Friday at Westminster Abbey, we are left wondering how the future king and his bride will fare in this public relationship exposed to scrutiny and expectations.

We reached out to our genConnect relationship expert Laurie Puhn, bestselling author of Fight Less, Love More: 5-Minute Conversations to Change Your Relationship without Blowing Up or Giving In, couples mediator and lawyer, to get her insight into how Kate and William can make it work.

“My point of view is that they will have to work just as hard, if not harder, to keep their love alive,” Laurie says. “Being royalty is a full-time job that will force them into long trips apart, conflicting perspectives on traditions, difficulties with in-laws and more.”

Here’s how Laurie sees it:

Prince William and Kate’s Wedding:  A Blessing or a Curse?

The Poll: 61% of people we polled said that Kate and William’s wedding will be a curse and they will not live happily ever after!

William’s love will NOT conquer all, and their money will NOT buy them happiness. What will give them and all couples’ marriage success is making 3 right choices to keep them in the “real zone” of marriage.

Laurie Puhn

The Three Zones of Marriage:

The Ideal Zone: After their public “I do’s” this modern royal couple will, like all newlyweds, live in the “ideal zone,” blessed to have found one another and giddy with infatuation.

The Real Zone: With time, William and Kate will enter the “real zone” where they will face daily tough challenges as all couples do. Here, with 3 right choices, they can live happily ever after.

The Danger Zone: If their choices are wrong, they will feel increasingly distant, unappreciated and undervalued. Their relationship will go downhill landing them in the cursed “danger zone” of divorce.

3 Choices the Royal Couple Must Make to Stay in Love:

1. Public or Private?
How much of their personal lives do they share with the public? Will Kate read the morning paper, something online or talk to the Queen to discover that William over-shared by revealing their decision to get pregnant or the details of a quarrel?

The Choice: Private. It is essential that the couple choose privacy to protect their love. They must establish definitive borders that deal with which topics are just between them and which ones can be shared with family, friends and/or the press.

2. Kingdom or Spouse?
There are three people in William and Kate’s marriage: the two of them, and the Kingdom. If William or Kate put their duties as prince or princess above their role of loving spouse, they will lead independent lives. Their intimacy and love will evaporate, leaving behind a gap in their relationship for another person to fill.

The Choice: Spouse. They must intentionally make their relationship a #1 priority. They must implement a daily communication routine, schedule private time together, and find charities and activities they can both support.

3. Traditional or Modern Marriage?

William and Kate are a modern royal couple who will face continuous challenges that involve love, duty and tradition. They have lived together before marriage. They do not want to employ domestic “help.”  They became engaged secretly. Prince William has announced that he will not wear a wedding band. They have a hands-on approach to their wedding with regard to what they will wear, eat, and which words will be in their vows.

The Choice: Modern. For Kate and William to be happy, they must forge a legacy of their own that reflects their modern lifestyle but does not embarrass the throne or create conflict behind palace walls. They can do this by learning how to communicate effectively, mediate problems and choose their battles wisely, so that both their marriage and royal bonds stay strong.

For more from Laurie Puhn:

• Married With Good Karma
• Breastfeeding and Formula Can Go Hand-in-Hand, Guilt-Free
• Has Economic Recession Actually Prevented Some Couples From Getting Divorced?
• Are You A Bossy Mom?

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These are one expert’s views on the news. Share with us your thoughts in the comments box below.

Happily married means that you would remarry the same person if you had the chance and that you tell your spouse something like that on a regular basis.  The deeper question is: what can you do, to and for each other, so that you would in fact choose that person again? The answer is that you must create a relationship based on values. In my couples mediation practice I teach people how to make tiny changes in their words to foster big changes in the mutual respect, appreciation, companionship and intimacy they share.  My new my bestselling book, Fight Less, Love More: 5-Minute Conversations to Change Your Relationship without Blowing Up or Giving In, brings the values-driven quick tips to those who can’t come to my office.

While that “how-to” is in my book, the mindset needed to maintain a happy relationship is one founded on making the “right” choices.  I’ve been reading a book about Karma, and I agree that if you do what is right in any given moment, you are building and maintaining the love in your life.  Doing the right thing releases good Karma and the spirit of your positive choice will nourish your partner and ultimately be reciprocated.

My Good Karma Choice

Last night I had the opportunity to add good Karma to my marriage.   My husband was out at a Japan fundraiser in the city at a beer garden.  He was certainly enjoying himself.  I was at home with two kids.  Our son Blake had recently developed an allergy to oats and while his allergic rash on his butt was healing, it was very itchy.  All of a sudden, he scratched the h*ll out of it and it started bleeding, a lot.  He was on the potty at the time, so I tried to figure out if it was internal or external blood.  It was external, but even so, Blake was in pain and crying loudly.  I struggled with what to put on the cuts that were on the skin that rubs together.  I tried a bunch of things as I also worked to prevent Blake from scratching more.  We were upset.  But not my husband who was out eating and drinking, unaware of the turmoil at home.

Laurie with her husband Dave and son Blake

In the midst of this, it was time to put 2-month old Emma to bed, which is not easy.  I switched off on the duties (care for Blake, then run to Emma’s room to change her, feed her…).   After Blake settled down, he fell asleep, fast.  This episode had exhausted both of us.  I finished up Emma’s bedtime and breathed a sigh of relief.

What now? Do I call my husband to tell him what happened?  Do I ask him to come home NOW in case Blake wakes up in pain?  If he doesn’t pick up his cell phone do I leave a voicemail telling him to call me because it is important?  My heart told me the right answers to these questions.  “Leave him be,” it said.  “Let him enjoy himself.  There is nothing he can do to help right now.  You can tell him when he gets home or in the morning.”  The other choice, to call him now, would be a selfish choice of wanting him to immediately share in my discomfort and sympathy for Blake.  Such a call would instantly turn his night around from good to bad.

In addition, there was another option out there when it came to my state of mind: I could choose to be annoyed at him for not being home when I needed him most.  However, in my efforts to think and behave with good Karma, there was an alternative way to view the situation.  My need for him to be at home during the distress could cause me to recognize how valuable he is at home, and how much his support means to me.  By not having him here, I am able to see the gap he leaves and the value his presence adds.

What did I do? I didn’t call my husband, and I chose to view his absence last night as a reminder of his importance to our family.  He’s a great father, deserving of a night off.  Now that is spreading good Karma and it’s already coming back to me because I feel good about myself for making the right decisions.

Laurie Puhn is a lawyer, mediator, blogger and bestselling author of “Fight Less, Love More: 5-Minute Conversations to Change Your Relationship without Blowing Up or Giving In“ Visit www.lauriepuhn.com for more information. Visit www.expectingwords.com to read her relationship advice blog for new parents and expecting couples.

More from Laurie Puhn:

• Breastfeeding and Formula Can Go Hand-in-Hand, Guilt-Free
• Has Economic Recession Actually Prevented Some Couples From Getting Divorced?
• Are You A Bossy Mom?

Want more genConnect?

• For more daily expert updates, follow genConnect on Twitter and Facebook
• To directly connect with any of our experts, sign up for genConnect.com

* Laurie Puhn is a lawyer, mediator, blogger and bestselling author of “Fight Less, Love More: 5-Minute Conversations to Change Your Relationship without Blowing Up or Giving In“

I gave birth to Emma at 9 p.m. on Jan. 25, 2011.  At 11:30 p.m. as I began settling in for the night, two kind nurses helped me to the bathroom. Sitting on the toilet was too much for me. I felt dizzy and nauseous. I needed to return to the bed, fast.

As I lay back down one of the nurses asked me the question that I knew was coming, “Are you breastfeeding or bottle-feeding?” I confidently answered: “Both.”

Read Laurie Puhn’s: Top 5 Rude Comments Pregnant Women Hear

The nurse appeared confused. I explained, “I will nurse during the day and send my baby to the nursery for formula feedings at night. Oh, and I’m also going to pump at home, so could you tell me who to talk to so I can rent one?”

The nurse was satisfied with my answer. After an hour of nursing, I sent my baby to the nursery and my husband and I went to sleep for a pleasant, calm, five hours. (We were able to get a private room with a pull-out bed for him, and my in-laws stayed at our house with our son.)

My plan to send my baby to the nursery had elicited a lot of controversial comments on my blog in a prior post.  My decision to take formula to the hospital is another idea that led to a healthy online debate. Regardless of what other people think, my plan was working. The next morning I felt somewhat rested and I was so excited to have my baby return to my room. The breastfeeding marathon began. Emma latched on quickly. I rubbed her back as she rested on the boppy. This was working! I was thrilled!

By the afternoon Emma was getting antsy. My husband had left to take our two-and-a-half year old son to school.  It happened to be the once-a-year “Daddy Day” at his nursery school, so he was gone for a while.  My alone time with Emma was priceless. I knew things would become quite hectic once we got home.

By the late afternoon Emma was crying every time I stopped breastfeeding (and she had been on it nearly all day!).  I could tell that she was still hungry. The colostrum wasn’t enough for her. My milk wouldn’t come in for days. Last time with my son Blake, this moment confused me. My baby’s crying upset me because I didn’t know what to do.

Two-and-half- years ago as a first-time mom, I pressed the button on my hospital bed and called in a nurse every half-hour to reassure me. The nurses told me to keep nursing. I would ask each one, “is my son getting something to eat from my boobs?” They squeezed my boobs and checked. Is this working? Should I burp him? Why is he crying? One of the nurses mentioned a bottle, but I had read up on this and learned that once a baby has formula or drinks anything from a bottle, he will not latch on again. So I refused the bottle as if it were the devil. Within a week, I couldn’t take the crying and turned to formula.

I felt horrible about my decision, even though the influx of formula instantly put my infant son in a much better mood.  The culture of breastfeeding was, and is, so overwhelming that my brain was locked on all-or-nothing thinking, i.e. exclusive breastfeeding or formula. And so, I stopped nursing and pumped for a couple months until I was fed up with it.

Not this time. Oh no. I would not suffer insecurity this way the second time around. I knew better. I pressed the button once and called in the nurse. “Can you please bring me some formula for my baby? She’s very hungry and my milk hasn’t come in yet.” I got the formula and fed my baby. Emma stopped crying. Then she napped for three hours.

When she woke up, I nursed again. She latched on perfectly and fell asleep on me. Later that evening, Emma had another bottle of formula, and then nursed.

Everything was going well. I made sure my baby nursed for hours to help bring in my milk. In the meantime, she was well-fed from colostrum and formula. She and I were in good spirits. It was nearly time to send her to the nursery again for the night. And I did. I checked on her around 3 a.m. when I awoke, and she was sleeping soundly. At 6 a.m. I called her back to my room. I nursed with ease.

We went home that day. She would have about  two ounces of formula every three to four hours, and nurse in between when she was awake. All of us were happy. When my milk came in on Day 4 (which I knew for sure because I was pumping), I nursed more and formula-fed less. A few days later, my milk supply had increased substantially. Now her bottles were nearly all breastmilk, even at night.

Now, six weeks later, I pump two to three times a day, and nurse on and off during the day in between bottles as well as during the night on occasion to help her fall back to sleep.

I would never think I would be one to say this, but, I love nursing!

What a surprise for me. As it turns out, Emma only gets about one bottle of formula a day now, if that. Her formula intake might increase as she grows in size, but right now, she doesn’t need it. By easing the pressure off of exclusive nursing, I am actually nearly doing it (when I include nursing and pumping).

Having the pumped milk is also so convenient for me because with my son’s school and playdate schedule I can’t sit on the couch and nurse on demand. With a bottle, I know I can feed Emma and then she will probably nap for a couple hours.

And I can nap!  I hand over the bottle to my parents or in-laws when they visit and I head to bed. It’s wonderful.

The combo approach I’ve taken to breastfeeding allows me the time and convenience to do what works in any given moment. This freedom of choice, day to day, hour to hour, gives me the control that I need to be happy and to be there for my son and husband.

For more from Laurie Puhn:

Tine Fey on Being a ‘Crazy’ Working Mom

Are You a Bossy Mom?

Top 5 Rude Comments Pregnant Women Hear

5 Ways to Avoid a Couples Fight

Want more genConnect?

• For more daily expert updates, follow genConnect on Twitter and Facebook
• To directly connect with any of our experts, sign up for genConnect.com

These are one expert’s views on the news. Share with us your thoughts in the comments box below.

According to a new survey by the National Marriage Project at the University of Virginia, many couples say the recession has deepened their commitment to marriage; and among those who were considering a divorce prior to the recession, a large minority of couples say the recession caused them to postpone or put aside divorce.

The survey was released this week in connection with National Marriage Week USA (Feb 7-14). Surveyors found that 38 percent of troubled married couples surveyed said that the economic downturn caused them to work harder at saving their marriage. Not surprisingly, those with fewer financial stresses report happier marriages, and those with the most money problems reported more problems. Those who have redoubled their marital commitment are much more likely to be in a very happy marriage (52 percent) than those who disagree that the recession has caused them to deepen their commitment (25 percent).

“This new survey tells us that the Great Recession has had a double-edged impact on American marriages,” said study author Bradford Wilcox. “For some, the financial stresses associated with the Great Recession have hurt their marriages. But for others, this recession has fostered a new commitment to marriage that appears to have improved the quality and stability of their marriages.”

Here are some other findings:

-More than 34 percent worry often or almost all the time about being able to pay the bills

-12 percent report either difficulty making mortgage payments or a home foreclosure

-29 percent indicate they have experienced unemployment or reduced pay or hours as a result of the economic downturn

-Just over half have been affected by one or more of these three financial stressors.

If you find yourself stressed about your marriage over money or other issues, genConnect relationship expert Laurie Puhn has 5 tips for couples to fight less and love more: Pick the right battles, give a character compliment, avoid premature arguments, show you care, and disagree without being disagreeable.

“The values we hold dear to us – respect, appreciation, compassion, loyalty and companionship – are fostered or destroyed every day by our word choices and actions,” Puhn says. “If you follow these 5 tips, you should see a quick improvement in your relationship. The wiser your words, the better your relationship.”

More From Laurie Puhn:

Tina Fey on Being a ‘Crazy’ Working Mom

Chinese New Year Begins Today…a Reflection on Family Traditions

Are you a Bossy Mom?

More Relationship Advice:

When You’re Sick of His ‘Stuff’ (VIDEO)

5 Tips for Dating, Again

Keeping Your Sex Life Alive — With Kids

These are one experts views on the news. Share with us your thoughts in the comments box below.

For more daily expert updates, follow genConnect on Twitter and Facebook.

For more article by Laurie Puhn and our relationship experts, sign up for genConnect.com.

CC Photo by Gage Skidmore

Comedienne Tina Fey is an actor, producer, mom and all-around great entertainer.

But when it comes to balancing motherhood and work, she gets irked by two questions, in particular: “How do you juggle it all?” And, “Are you going to have more kids?”

Fey writes in this week’s New Yorker that science shows that fertility and movie offers drop off steeply for women after 40. The baby-versus-work life questions keep Fey awake at night. In her field, especially, she says women are labeled “crazy” after a certain age, and the only way to fix the situation so that women are no longer viewed as “crazy” is for more females to become producers and for companies to hire a more diverse array of women of all ages.

genConnect relationship expert

Laurie Puhn (www.fightlesslovemore.com) says the hardship of being a working mom in the entertainment field is that every job offer and reporter

Laurie Puhn

Puhn knows this firsthand. She had her second child two weeks ago today, yet she still took time to comment on Fey’s views on balancing work and motherhood.

Puhn adds:

“Being a lawyer/couples mediator, writer and television personality myself, I receive many expert comment requests. When the writer of this article emailed me for my insights on Fey’s article, I said ‘yes.’ If I didn’t respond to the request immediately, you would be reading someone else’s insights right now and I wouldn’t get to tell you that I just wrote a new bestselling book, Fight Less, Love More: 5-Minute Conversations to Change Your Relationship without Blowing Up or Giving In, which by the way, is a national bestseller.”

We salute Fey, Puhn and all other working moms who are providing invaluable contributions to their respective lines of work, society in general, and the next generation.

More from Laurie Puhn:

Are You a Bossy Mom?

Top 5 Rude Comments Pregnant Women Hear

5 Ways to Avoid a Couples Fight

These are one expert’s views on the news. Share with us your thoughts in the comments box below.

For more daily expert updates, follow genConnect on Twitter and Facebook.

For more article Laurie Puhn and our other genConnect relationship experts, sign up for genConnect.com.

Laurie with her husband Dave and son Blake

2008 Chinese New Year Celebration, Vancouver Photo by scazon/CC Flickr

The Chinese New Year starts February 3, 2011. Will you be celebrating?

According to the Chinese Culture Center of San Francisco, some traditional celebrations include turning over a new leaf, celebrating family ties, giving gifts of food and drink (similar to Christmas), and celebrating “everybody’s birthday.” Chinese travel back home to families in masses during this holiday.

So perhaps we can take this opportunity to focus on our own family ties – those with our significant others, in particular. Although the big American holiday season is over, genConnect Relationship Expert Laurie Puhn offers tips on how couples can avoid any holiday-related fights – advice that is also good 365 days a year. Puhn, who also wrote the book, Fight Less, Love More: 5-Minute Conversations to Change Your Relationship without Blowing Up or Giving In, says that during family gatherings, couples must first determine what is private information and what can be offered up as family chatter.

“Perhaps your recent health issues, child’s academic or discipline problems or your job instability are things you don’t want your nosy aunt to know. Avoid verbal landmines with a pre-holiday discussion so neither of you end up putting your foot in your mouth,” Puhn says.

Other tips include: combine traditions, pick your battles, employ positive criticism, and follow the money. Read on to get more details from Laurie on how to keep your relationship out of hot water, and use the Chinese New Year to focus on those relationships which could use some TLC!

More From Laurie:

Tips for Couples on How to Avoid Those Holiday Fights

Fights to Avoid the Rest of the Year

Other genConnect relationship experts:

Getting Back to the Honeymoon Stage, by Dr. Alan Tepp

Don’t Cancel Your Online Dating Profile (Video) With Julie Spira

These are one experts views on the news. Share with us your thoughts in the comments box below.

For more daily expert updates, follow genConnect on Twitter and Facebook.

For more article by Laurie Puhn and our relationship experts, sign up for genConnect.com.

“Have sex. It can’t be great if it’s non-existent.  While it’s okay to be too tired or have a headache for a few nights in a row, by the fifth night it’s time to put yourself in the mood.  You can’t put off sex for weeks and expect your mate to be happy about it.”

“Have daytime sex. Who said darkness is romantic?  If nighttime is for sleeping, then plan time for a weekend afternoon session.  Turn off your phones, close the blinds and invite your partner to meet you in the bedroom.”

“Just say it. If you could tell your mate exactly what you wanted him or her to do for you, what would you say?  The next time you’re in bed together, whisper “I want to tell you a secret …” and then share at least one of those things you really want.  Then ask, “Do you have a secret you want to share with me?”  Great sex requires having the courage to be assertive.”

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Laurie with her husband Dave and son Blake

I promised to be a little more patient and my husband promised to be a little faster. That’s the compromise we reached once it became clear that I had gotten used to barking orders: “Get the washcloth! Bring me the bottle! Go find him the tiny little stuffed dog he loves that is usually in his crib but not here right now!” Yes, I mean those exclamation points.

According to new research that I wrote about in a post on my Expecting Words blog, 90 percent of couples say their relationship is worse since they had a baby. I suspect it’s because life tends to feel like an emergency all the time when there’s a baby or toddler around. The sense of urgency means many of us push niceties, tactfulness and respect to the side for the greater good (the child).

I read a story a few months ago about a mom who was bathing her three young kids in the tub, and once they were nearly all clean, IT happened. The youngest pooped in the tub. I can only imagine what the mom yelled to her husband in that moment. She ended up having to take them out, clean the tub and then bathe them all again. I think she would deserve a pass on any barked orders.

But the truth is that in general, a child does not equal a state of emergency, and I have to remind myself of this for the other greater good (my marriage). If I don’t have that exact toy my son wants for another five minutes, he can just deal with that, and so should I. If my back is hurting because I’ve been holding the kid for too long and my husband wants to go to the bathroom and wash his hands and change out of his work clothes before taking over, I should just put the child down. So what if he whines for a few minutes? (It’ll be my husband’s job to deal with our son’s bad mood when he gets out of the bathroom anyway, but don’t tell him I said that!)

Mostly, I need to remember that words like “Please,” “Thank you,” “Would you mind…?” and “Do you think you could…?” are meant for the man I love, too, not just for strangers helping me in a store or taking my order at a restaurant.

Share: I’m curious to know if other moms have barked more orders since having a baby. What’s the worst thing you’ve barked? Do you try to say “Please” and “Thank you” to your honey? Would you consider yourself a bossy mom?  Is your mate a bossy dad? If you need help becoming less bossy, check out my bestselling book Fight Less, Love More.

More for mothers:

Top 5 Rude Comments Pregnant Women Hear

5 Tips to Fight Less, Love More

A Mom’s Guide to Chic Style

*WIN a Free Vacation! You deserve it!

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1. “You look like you’re getting fat.”
My friend, who avidly reads my blog for expecting couples and new parents (www.expectingwords.com), announced her pregnancy at work about four months in. She called to tell me her boss’s response: “Oh so that explains your belly bulge. I didn’t think you were the kind of woman who would let herself go like that.”

2. “I’ll bet you’re having twins.”
Another friend was asked, “Do twins run in your family? You’ve gotten so big so fast. You should really ask your doctor to look closer for twins at your next ultrasound.”

3. “Wow. You’re having another baby? Was it planned?”
If you face a question like that, change the topic with tact: “You sure know how to make a pregnant woman feel special!” Whether you’re pregnant with number two or you’re aiming to be like Mrs. Dugger with 19 kids, that’s your business.

4. “If you breastfeed, you’ll burn an extra 500 calories a day!”
Please, don’t add a body image reason for why we absolutely have to breastfeed. And moreover, burning more calories is nice, but it apparently makes you hungrier. Selma Hayek exclaimed on the “Oprah Winfrey Show” that breastfeeding could have helped her lose weight, as long as she was willing to also endure constant hunger.

5. “Sleep now because you’ll never sleep again.”
First of all, most pregnant women have trouble sleeping, so it’s not easy to practice this well-intentioned advice. And second of all, whatever happens will happen, so why stress us out in advance? We do know that everything is going to change after the baby arrives. Pregnancy doesn’t lower our intelligence quotient so we are quite capable of reading books and blogs to know what to expect.
So my pregnant friends, I urge you to discard the rude comments from your relatives, co-workers, friends and strangers. But do share them with your partner to be sure he doesn’t add to your list of rude pregnancy comments. And as for the dads-to-be reading this post, please, please counteract the rudeness by complimenting your pregnant partner’s beauty once a day!  For easy-to-use tips on how to strengthen your relationship so it can overcome any obstacle (without a fight), read my new bestselling book, Fight Less, Love More: 5-Minute Conversations to Change Your Relationship without Blowing Up or Giving In.

More mom advice by Laurie Puhn J.D.:

5 Ways to Avoid a Couples Fight

From our other experts …
Keeping Your Sex Life Alive — With Kids, Rachel Sussman, LCSW

Getting Back to the Honeymoon Stage, by Dr. Alan Tepp

Gals, what rude comments did you hear while pregnant? What did you say back to the person? Guys, what do you really think about your pregnant lady’s egg-shaped figure? Do you talk to her about her appearance truthfully, semi-truthfully or do you plead the fifth?

Original published on www.expectingwords.com.

Here are the top 5 arguments that emerge around the holidays. This year, be wise. Avoid unnecessary conflict so your holidays are what they should be – fun!

1. The Over-sharing Argument: “I can’t believe you told your brother I was fired. You have such a big mouth!”
Quick Fix: Create a Border Control. Talk to your mate in advance of the holiday gathering about which topics are private versus public. Perhaps your recent health issues, child’s academic or discipline problems or your job instability are things you don’t want your nosy aunt to know. Avoid verbal landmines with a pre-holiday discussion so neither of you end up putting your foot in your mouth.

2. The Traditional Argument: “ As a child we always made our own holiday gifts so that’s what I want to do with our children.”
Quick Fix: Combine Traditions. When you are part of a duo, you can’t have it your way all the time. Ask your partner about which traditions are important to him or her this holiday season and truly listen to the answers. Then, explain the origins of the traditions that are important to you. Lastly, offer a give-and-take to combine them. When you offer, it’s viewed as kindness. If you wait to be forced to accommodate, the same result is viewed as inconsiderate.

3. The Opinionated Argument: “You’re wrong. Anyone who voted for him is an idiot!”
Quick Fix: Pick Your Battles. Family members, including your most precious loved one, can say the most judgmental, hurtful things. If you’re talking to someone who can argue with respect, then go ahead and enter the conversation. But if this person is ready to defend their opinion at all costs, then it is not a battle to pick. Rather than attacking back and further igniting holiday warfare, ask yourself, “Does this person’s opinion really affect my life (i.e. are they running for election or do they actually have decision-making power? I don’t think so)?” If it’s just a superficial battle, let it go.

4. The Techno-pest Argument: “We have guests over. Get off that $%#@&*^ computer!”
Quick Fix: Employ Positive Criticism Nothing can come between you and your mate, except a computer or cell phone. While technology connects us to the world, it can disconnect us from those we love. If your mate chooses his or her tech objects over people this holiday season, don’t complain, just explain. Tell him or her, “You know, we really miss your company out here. I like hearing what you have to say. Can you leave the computer soon (or put down the cell phone) and join us?” When phrased with flattery, you’re sure to get what you want.

5. The Financial Argument: “We can’t afford that gift!”
The Quick Fix: Follow the Money Rather than assuming your mate knows what your joint budget is this year, make a list of income and expenses and share those details with your mate. Once you are both knowledgeable about your monthly household cash flow, you can discuss what’s left over for the gift fund (or what other expenses you can reduce). When you share the facts about your joint financial status, it becomes easier to come to an agreement on the gift budget.

Vote:

Keep in mind that it takes two people to start an argument and only one wise person to end it. This year, be that wise person by knowing what to say and not to say so that you and your sweetie fight less, love more and have a joyful and happy holiday.

More relationship advice from Laurie Puhn:

Fights to Avoid the Rest of the Year

Other genConnect relationship experts:

Getting Back to the Honeymoon Stage, by Dr. Alan Tepp

Don’t Cancel Your Online Dating Profile (Video) With Julie Spira

Based on what I teach people and what works in mediation, I wrote Fight Less, Love More: 5-Minute Conversations to Change Your Relationship without Blowing Up or Giving In (Rodale, Oct. 2010) to help couples keep their connection strong with 5-minute conversations and simple comments that show you care.

You don’t need lots of quality time together to improve your relationship. In fact, you and your partner don’t need to talk more, you simply need to learn to talk better. Below are 5 tips you can put forth today that will help give you the love, cooperation and companionship you’re looking for from your partner.

1. Pick the Right Battles. Before you start criticizing your mate for doing something like forgetting to take an umbrella to work when rain is predicted, ask yourself the wise question, “Does this affect me?” In this case, it doesn’t. He arrived home all wet, not you. So don’t pick that battle. Rather than using a “fight line” like, “I told you to bring an umbrella. Why don’t you listen to me?” (which leads to a defensive response), use a compassionate love line like, “You’re all wet. Let me get you a towel.”
2. Give a Character Compliment. In researching my book we did an on-line survey and found some results that could help us all have better marriages. Not only do people like being complimented once a day, they like receiving a special kind of compliment. When we asked people “would you rather your mate compliment you for being kind or good-looking?” the result was that 84 percent of people said “kind.” The lesson: find daily opportunities to compliment your mate’s character, rather than his tie or her sweater. And don’t be afraid to share this research study with your mate and ask him if he’ll join you in the daily compliment challenge.
3. Avoid Premature Arguments. My clients are smart people, who often have dumb arguments. One type of these unnecessary battles is so common that it threatens every relationship (including my own). I call it the “premature argument.” Look out for those times when you and your mate get in a brawl about a decision that doesn’t need to be made for weeks, months or years, such as whether to move to a house or apartment in a couple years, where to go for Mother’s Day … next year, where to go for summer vacation, or even when to schedule a certain doctor appointment when you don’t have the facts yet on the doctor’s availability (my parents nearly had that premature argument yesterday!). When you realize you’re arguing about something prematurely, stop yourself and say, “Hey, we don’t need to have this argument yet. Let’s hold off until time passes and we have more information.”
4. Show You Care. A little bit of remembering shows a lot of love. If you know your mate has an important meeting, appointment, etc., be sure to follow up with your partner. Call, email, text or ask in person, “How did it go?” This sends a clear message: I care about you. Try to do this on a weekly, if not daily, basis. And if you don’t have anything to follow up on, that’s a sign that you don’t know what is going on in your mate’s days. So start asking, listening and remembering.
5. Disagree Without Being Disagreeable. An easy way to start a fight is to say, “You’re wrong” or “that’s a stupid idea!” Meanwhile, a perfect way make the same point in a friendly way is to use a wise question. In the moment that you know you disagree with your mate, ask, “Why do you think that?” Listen to the answer first, and then feel free to disagree. By holding your tongue and listening first (even if it’s only for a minute), you show respect. The result: Your mate is willing to listen to your point of view. That’s how to turn a conflict into a conversation.

The values we hold dear to us – respect, appreciation, compassion, loyalty and companionship – are fostered or destroyed every day by our word choices and actions. If you follow these 5 tips, you should see a quick improvement in your relationship. The wiser your words, the better your relationship.

Does sex get better with age? Join our live Sex For Life conversation on October 18th at 8 pm EST.

More Relationship Advice:

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5 Tips for Dating, Again

Keeping Your Sex Life Alive — With Kids

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