6 Tips for Getting Past Your Breakup

Everybody has, at one point in their lives, been through a breakup. Although most of the time this experience is very painful, it often serves up several lessons learned for men and women as they try to move past the split and on with the rest of their lives, and their relationships.

Renowned relationship expert Susan J. Elliott, author of Getting Past Your Breakup: How to Turn a Devastating Loss into the Best Thing That Ever Happened to You, offers several tips for trying to move past the pain and toward happiness.

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    1. Learn to self-soothe: It’s really a combination of relaxation (some meditation), affirmations, positive self-talk and telling yourself that what you’re PERCEIVING is not necessarily how it is and, even if it is, you can survive it. Believe me, you will believe it after a while. Because the bottom line is: if you want to be okay, you will be.
    2. Relax: Go to the GPYB aStore (for each purchase GPYB receives a 6.5 percent seller fee which goes to the GPYB Domestic Violence program donations) or go to iTunes and download a meditation or relaxation mp3 when you’re feeling very negative and upset. Light some candles or an aromatherapy diffuser and play the relaxation/meditation audio and just learn to relax. Take yourself OUT of the anxious feeling. Self-soothe by telling yourself all is okay. Doing this often really helps with anxiety. Though if your anxiety is off the charts, see a doctor about it.
    3. Unplug: When I talk to my readers and clients and even my kids about their lives, I know one thing. I am so grateful there were no cell phones, Facebook, or Twitter when I was growing up and again when I was dating. I espouse unpluggedness for at least one hour a day and encourage people to go manual for at least a day or half a day each week. Getting back to just listening to music with no other distractions (just listening, not playing Angry Birds while doing it) and reading a book (sitting down and reading for long stretches at a time without interruption) has had a healing effect on me.
    4. Remember the cycle: When it is a dark time in life, when there has been loss and sorrow, it is good to remember that life is a cycle and in order to bloom and grow we need the dark times, the restful times, the time to go inward and explore our own depths before we can turn our faces to the sun. It is difficult to appreciate our ability to bloom when we are in the midst of own personal winter but know that we have it, that we are able to do it.
    5. Don’t dwell on your ex “getting theirs”: A few of you would like the ex to “get theirs.” First, this is a normal and natural emotion but don’t dwell there because it will destroy you in due time. You can’t wait around for the world to suddenly turn “right.” If it did, I would hope that “fairness” would take care of hungry children and abused animals before it takes care of your ex getting his or hers. Second, they will get theirs only you don’t know when and you don’t know how and they might not even know it when it happens.
    6. Don’t let your grief limit your life: Most self-defeating behaviors such as rage and untamed anger can be traced to unresolved grief…the loss in childhood or adulthood that was never fully grieved … the relationship that was not let go of in any kind of productive and complete way. Like defense mechanisms, unresolved grief and the unresolved emotions limit our LIFE SCOPE in so many ways. Unresolved grief becomes the fear of loving and losing … a gripping, chilling fear that dogs our every step in relationships. We not only can’t love but we can’t BE loved. If we’re too angry or too sad all the time, people DO NOT want to be around us. Unresolved grief keeps us from having happy healthy and wonderful relationships. To get past our past, to get past our anger or our sadness and to enjoy life, WE MUST resolve our unresolved grief.

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Category: Dating, Divorce, Intimacy, Marriage, Relationships

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About Susan J. Elliott, J.D., M.Ed.: Susan J. Elliott, J.D., M.Ed. is the developer of the Getting Past Your Past series of workshops and seminars, author of Getting Past Your Breakup: How to Turn a Devastating Loss into the Best Thing [...]
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