50 Shades of Confusion: Why the Sex We Want Isn’t Happening

[ 0 ] May 2, 2014 |

Thank you, Fifty Shades of Grey, for taking the world by storm, and in the process, bringing to light an issue that desperately needs addressing.

Why is it that so many women are craving passion in long-term relationships but not getting it? I suspect most women wouldn’t be so ardently reading the 50 Shades trilogy if they were experiencing more lust in their own bedrooms. So why in the world, when nearly EVERYONE wants a better sex life, is it not happening for probably the majority of couples?

Related: 50 Shades of Grey Meets Evolutionary Theory

Well I would like to say there is an easy answer for that question, but there isn’t. The answer is quite complicated and it does depend on the individual couple and their unique sexual dynamics.

You know if you read my writing that monogamy is not necessarily a natural state for primates (you included). And the simple fact of making love with the same person time and time again results in a natural decrease in longing. (You can’t really long for something that is handed to you every day on a silver platter – unless it’s chocolate, but that’s another conversation entirely.) Nonetheless, there is a LOT both men and women do today to sabotage their instinctual animal longing without even realizing it.

Here are some things each gender does to kill the primal passion you read about in 50 Shades of Grey:

  • Ladies, you KNOW that foreplay starts outside of the bedroom. You tell your partner that if he took out the garbage or helped with the kids, you’d want to have sex with him. But the same wisdom can be applied to us! Supporting the masculinity in your man will only increase the chances that he’ll bring that energy back into the bedroom and serve it up on you. So keep in mind that nagging him makes him feel like a child, and he’s probably not going to want to have sex with his “mother.”  Find ways to communicate with him that are respectful and don’t make him feel like a kid who has messed up again.

Related: The Link Between Food and Sex

  • Gentlemen, this one’s for you. Without going in depth into evolutionary theory, you need to understand something. You are innately wired NOT to fight women. This is a good thing, cause if men were as comfortable fighting women as they are fighting other men, our entire species would probably be just a memory on this planet. But here is your dilemma: If you do not challenge your woman on occasion, and you always let her win arguments, she will eventually lose respect for you. If she loses respect for you, you can forget about sex. In the bedroom, she is only going to let go in your arms if she feels at a deep and profound level that you are stronger than she is.
  • Ladies, here’s a mantra for you: “Human perfection does not exist.” We aren’t perfect, and either are our men. Problem is, they are a lot more forgiving of our imperfections than we are of theirs, as a rule. When you try and fix everything “wrong” with your man, you tame him. It’s like taking an animal out of the wild and making him a house pet. The more perfect you make your man, the less sexy he’s going to be to you. Or think of it this way – if you successfully control your man, you won’t want to have sex with him. To long for him, he’s got to have that primal animal edge. If you take that away from him, you’ll be sorry. I’ve seen it a zillion times in my therapy room.
  • Gentlemen, the simple fact is that you get lazy at home. At the end of your work day, you want to just go home and relax. This is totally understandable, BUT it is a deal knoll for your sex life. When you get home, your woman wants to feel your presence, your strength, your man-power. If you sit down in front of the TV and open a beer, she feels like she’s looking at an adolescent, not a man. She won’t want to make love to a boy. So your take-home message: At the end of the day, you can’t leave your alpha side at your work desk. Bringing that part of you home at night is essential if you want a good sex life.

Related: Keep the Flame Alive; Love Life After Kids

Follow Dr. Marianne Brandon on Twitter @DrBrandon and Facebook to learn more, or comment, and she will continue this very important conversation. Until then, happy reading!

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Category: Intimacy, Relationships

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About Dr. Marianne Brandon: Dr. Marianne Brandon is a clinical psychologist and Diplomat in sex therapy through AASECT. Dr. Brandon is Director of Wellminds Wellbodies LLC in Annapolis, Maryland. She is author of Monogamy: The Untold Story and co-author [...]
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